Cinderella Has Cellulite Read Free

their unseemly task of faking yet another orgasm later that night.
    We all dream of the supportive, got-your-back back girlfriends who text and email you constant encouragement and positive vibes. They are the ones who show unwavering interest and curiosity regarding your Lover. What is He like? Is He romantic? They are dying to know it all. If your new conquest doesn’t work out, these YaYa Sisters will be the ones to conduct a séance, mortally wounding him and propelling you into Cupid’s arms for your next tryst. Woman Power has you firmly in its bosom.
    Wrong! Wake up, sister.
    You can bet most women worth their salt who are not already pushing the sheets with another hunk would trade places with you and provide the silk pillowcase to boot. The competitive factor between women, especially single women, rivals any blood sport. With Samurai Swords drawn, they stand ready to take you out at a moment’s notice. If you really do have a soul sister who can sing “We Are Family,” count yourself extremely lucky.
    Hold tightly to his flaccid mid-section—you are in for some rough remarks.
    Your guy friends, however, are impressed. Wow, she must really be a good lay! they think to themselves. I wonder how old she really is? Who cares? She looks pretty good for her age, whatever it is! Yes, Madame Cougar, men are so dense!
    With Samurai Swords drawn, they stand ready to take you out at a moment’s notice.
    On the other hand, if the nightclub bouncer stops you Lovebirds at the door and insists on proving you are legal and your handsome escort pulls out his senior discount card, you could be labeled the kitten with the alley cat! Although true love has no boundaries, and we’ve all heard, “age doesn’t matter,” expect some raised eyebrows! Hold tightly to his flaccid mid-section—you are in for some rough remarks.
    Can you believe how young she is?
We all know what she’s after . . .
and it’s not his body!
We all know what He’s after . . . her body!
How disgusting, trying to relive his youth.
She must be desperate to be with him!
I bet He pops Viagra!
    Your aging Lord of the Manor thinks nothing of introducing the family to his trophy. After all, they will surely see immediately how much the two of you are in love. He can hear the accolades now for having picked a delectable queen for his castle. No unsightly bulges under the caftan for this frisky, young feline.
    If you really do have a soul sister who can sing “We Are Family,” count yourself extremely lucky.
    Your family is not so sure. They assume He’s gonna die a long time before you’re ready for the plowed field. You’ll have to raise the kids by yourself. “Will you get his social security?” they want to know. “If so, how much is it?”
    Face it, Barbie, your Ken is graying and fraying. He’s into Sinatra and you want Justin Timberlake. You order a dirty martini and He orders a shot of Mylanta. You are having a mid-afternoon snack while He is downing his last soft diet before early-to-bed. Close your eyes at bedtime as He crawls between the sheets and asks for another blanket. You still have a ways to go before your hot flashes.
    On the upside, your body’s imperfections will no longer be important as you accompany him to the cataract surgeon.
    If your unlined skin and tight thighs are made of alligator, and you don’t mind the arrows flung your way from everyone (and I do mean everyone), you could be in safe terrain. As you are thrust headlong into a previous generation, stock up on reading material, especially the latest issue of AARP magazine. Make sure his cardiologist is now a “favorite” in your contact list. On the upside, your body’s imperfections will no longer be important as you accompany him to the cataract surgeon. Just ask yourself before you plunge into the land of the elderly, “Do I really enjoy Sunday afternoons spent with his friends at Golden Acres?”

I f you have had at least one wedding shower, make it the last.