Cinderella Has Cellulite Read Free Page A

It is considered gauche to have multiple showers for multiple weddings. You surely have the requisite mixer, blender, and carving knife.
    I know, it is really tempting to whisk over to the nearest Williams-Sonoma and add your name to the bridal lists so all of your well-wishers will bestow more goodies on the happy couple. And I know what you’re thinking: “Darn, an opportunity missed.”
    Miss this one. Any announcement blaring, “We will soon be merging households” should be sans any reference to “The couple is registered at . . . ”
    If you pale at the thought of no new treasures and having to mix your smoothies with his avocado green blender, simply make the best of it, Pollyanna. Or open a new joint account at Target and feather your own nest.
    In regard to lingerie showers, Girls—don’t fool yourselves. The rules are simple for a happy Prince:
    If you’re under 30, you need to wear nothing at night!
    If you’re 30–45, his white shirt and flannel pants will suffice as your flesh might be a little softer than you’d like.
    50 and over: Wear the 30–45 year old attire, just dim the lights.
    Over 65: I suggest total darkness and no gifts. Even gag gifts make us gag at a certain age. No need to rub salt in the wounds!
    “We will soon be merging households” should be sans any reference to “The couple is registered at . . . ”

T he wedding, what a minefield! This is often where the real drama starts. William Shakespeare did not give us much of a revelation when he wrote, “The course of true love never did run smooth.” The path to planning the perfect day has never been easy, and believe you me, the petal-strewn walk down the aisle will be no bed of roses either!
    “Honey, you can have any kind of wedding you want . . . ” he may whisper to you in the early stages of bliss. Don’t fall for this as you fall into his arms. Be as wary as an alley cat eyeing a bowl of milk placed by a fence. You want a big wedding at a romantic destination or in a sweet, simple chapel, while He wants his ex brother-in-law (his best friend!) to be his best man. This is part of the big bag of trash you both bring to the relationship that sometimes can never be disposed of, but perhaps can at least be compacted.
    Regardless of the location, your special day is likely to be an assembly of friends, foes, and dysfunctional family: His, yours, Hers, and theirs! This celebration brings out the best and the beastly! Your perfect day will be analyzed and scrutinized from all sides.
    His female friends, especially the ones He bedded or potentially bedded, will be furious. There is no better description—they are all up in arms and wondering what kinds of tricks you pulled to get him.
    If you are marrying money, her newly flossed porcelains are ready.
    She probably gripped him with her great oral hygiene . . . what a slut! one thinks to herself as she holds the wedding invitation in hand. Still another affirms her wedding day strategy to her closest confidante, “I’ll go to the wedding, look simply fab, be mean to Her, and He will wish it were me He is whisking off my Manolo Blahniks!”
    And you can just hear his family’s reactions now.
    “Our little angel is marrying Her,” bemoans his vigilant mother, protecting her cub. “No surprise to me,” says Great Gramma Lil. “I just hope She’s not in the family way!”
    Mama Bear, in shock that her poor son is taking on the Kate Gosselin brood, whispers back, “I don’t know how he’ll ever make this bunch a living. I tell you one thing, she better not expect me to babysit one minute. It’s not me getting into this mess—it’s my husband’s son.”
    They are all up in arms and wondering what kinds of tricks you pulled to get him.
    Your mother is likely to be in one of two states at this point. If you are marrying money, her newly flossed porcelains are ready. “I just love my new son-in-law,” she will beam to everyone within earshot. Is it the smell of her brand