Cannibal Dwarf Detective: An Ephemeral Beardening Read Free

compatriots before flicking a comically large red switch on the side of his
jetpack and standing up. The power of the blast from the packs causes a
shockwave that knocks over their seats and sends them ricocheting around the
room. The cops crash through the ceiling and debris falls everywhere. They
continue upwards, smashing through additional floors of the city-building.
Artificial light from the cities above shines down. At the farthest point, a
pin-prick of white light like a solitary star closes into darkness as the
Sky-Cops vanish. The remaining police factions leave in far less asshole-ish
fashion.

Part
IV, V, &VI: Everything Is Revealed
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

    Chapter 4
     
     
                                                               

Part
VII: A Nanner, Octi, Cacti, and A Dwarf

 
     Chapter 5
            Feac wakes
up with the most intense hangover a dwarf can possibly have. He’s surrounded by
literally all the toilet paper from the bathrooms and personnel lockers in
B-sec. The room is so thick with it he can’t see out of his window, which he
couldn’t see out of anyway because the brick wall of the adjacent building was
blocking it. Instead of calling the janitorial precinct he decides to take
matters into his own, hotdog-like hands, and he wraps himself in as much of the
toilet paper as possible.
               
Looking like a mummy, he waddles towards a second, un-blocked window and opens
it. He pulls himself up onto the sill and then dives headlong into the darkened
city below. The toilet paper he’s wearing begins to unravel but he’s wrapped it
around his arms in such a way that it opens like a parachute. He gently touches
down… on a cactus patch.
               
The toilet paper catches on the tallest of the cacti and he begins furiously
swinging his arms in an attempt to escape the paper holding his body. As he
writhes in pain, the paper grows tighter like the muscle-laden coils of a boa
constrictor tightening around a baby or a kitten or something equally cute that
people care about.
             A loud
growl reverberates on his swollen, waxy ear drum. He spins around to see that
the cactus he’s caught on is sentient. It begins punching him like he was some
kind of twelve year old kids’ birthday piñata with a poorly implemented physics
engine. Each blow rips more and more toilet paper away from Feac’s stumpy body
and punctures his skin with hundreds of tiny needles.
               
After several hours of excruciating pain, all the toilet paper is gone and Feac
finds himself lying on the ground beneath the massive cactus. As he looks up he
sees all the other cacti staring down at him with those cartoon googly eyes one
might purchase at a craft store. He attempts to sit up, but his shifting weight
only causes the needles to jam farther in. He manages to stand despite his
discomfort.
               
“I gotta do something about this pain.” He says to no one in particular. “Wait.
Didn’t I hear somewhere that if you get stung by a cactus you’re supposed to
piss on your own wounds?”
               
He unlaces his trousers and drops them, but pulls them right back up as he
hears a familiar voice shout, “What the hell are you doing, you short
bastard!?”
               
Ja-La Pe-Pe Ecko Sanders blows the cacti apart with a shotgun and catches their
white milk with a cup that he splashes all over Jeac, immediately relieving him
of his pain. “You dumb ass dwarf. Urine is for walrus stings!”
               
A rope whirls through the air and lands down around Feac’s ankles. Sanders
begins pulling the end he holds in his tentacles. Bright pink and incredibly
angry, Ja-La is a raiser of cacti as well as a gunsmith and the informant for
the C.D.P.D. Right now, with his cacti dead, he rages towards the fallen dwarf
and starts