Cannibal Dwarf Detective: An Ephemeral Beardening Read Free Page A

wrapping the rope tightly around the girth of his body. Feac starts
screaming as the tentacle beast drags him through the mud and cacti shrapnel.
               
“Wait you fool! It is I! Your friend Jeac!” yells Feac. The beast stops in his
tracks.
               
“Jeac is dead. It’s all over the tower. The only fool here is you.”
               
The tentacles tentacly tentacle his face, causing Feac’s mustache to explode in
all directions. Each individual piece of hair floats gracefully into the mud,
save one, which is caught in a sudden gust of wind and propelled into the neck
of a nearby sand-bear. It dies instantly. The hair. Not the bear. The bear is
fine.
               
Sanders, the tentacled beast, drops to his tentacles and weeps, “Oh, Feac! It
is Jeac!” He sweeps him up in his tentacles, cradling him like a baby, and
carries him back to his shack. Also, he has tentacles.
               
Once they’re in the shack and Jeac is unbound he finds himself drinking a cup
of hot cactus milk and pondering the heat death of the universe. It is beyond
his comprehension and his attempts to understand cause an aneurism to pop. His
face slams first into the cup and then into the table, breaking both. During
this, Sanders grooms him. He picks small bits of cactus and toilet paper out of
Jeac’s ears and nose.
               
“It has been days since I have seen you last, Jeac. You must be in danger or
else you would have shaved by now,“ says Ja-La Pe-Pe Ecko Sanders in
quotations.
               
Jeac’s tongue squirms about like a worm above ground. “I am undercover because
in my last case I broke jurisdictional rule by entering Sky-Cop territory
without a permit. Were I not in disguise, the Sky-Cops would surely see me
dead. Chief Armando has me investigating the corruption of all eight police
factions within the tower and I cannot do so if I am dead.” Jeac has yet
another aneurism burst before voiding his bowels. 
               
“Hey, you know who is corrupt? Those R.B.G.O.A.T’s. They are the very bottom
rung of the tower and I assume they’re planning to blow up the floor above
their own to collapse the tower so they will be the only faction left.”
               
“Huh-huh.” Says Jeac, uninterested.
               
“I remember it like it was twenty-five years ago because it was. When the
R.B.G.O.A.T’s were simply umbrella men, when the Tower wasn’t the only building
on Chandaka. The umbrella men were sexy men who used their umbrellas to stay
dry and fought for the good instead of the not good. Since all the oceans dried
up because of over industrialsim-ness and general stupidity, the sexy umbrella
men became fat and ugly and lazy and dumb. Or maybe they didn’t.”
               
Ja-La finishes using his suction cups to remove all the cactus needles from
Jeac’s thick skin. A siren sounds suddenly and a large yellow banana-shaped car
peels up and smashes through the side of the house and pins Ja-La to the far
wall. His tentacles flailing up and around the squished front end of the
fruit-mobile, he begins foaming at the mouth and spraying ink all over the
inside of his hovel.
               
“Noooo! Banana!” screeches Jeac like a banshee in a hall of mirrors filled with
shit and spiders and some guy named Dave.
               
Alfonzo exits his vehicular banana and peels back his banana, shooting Ja-La
Pe-Pe in his face hole. Potassium paste splatters all over and blinds Jeac.
Alfonzo’s slick banana shoes peel and allow him to slide across the linoleum
towards Jeac. He starts slapping the shit out of him with the side panel of his
banana car.
               
“Happy Wednesday, slag sucker!” Alfonzo yells before getting back in his car
and driving away. Not ten seconds later the banana car is back and Alfonzo is
pulling Jeac into the passenger seat. “I forgot.