Camp Utopia & the Forgiveness Diet (9781940192567) Read Free

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    â€œThe Forgiveness Diet,” they all chimed, was how they did it.
    THAT’S RIGHT , said the voice. WITH OUR PROVEN THREE-PART SYSTEM YOU CAN DROP THAT UNWANTED WEIGHT. INSTANTLY.
    On the screen, a middle-aged guy stood before the ocean.
    â€œHi, I’m Michael Osbourne, and I invented The Forgiveness Diet. At twenty-seven years old and three hundred pounds, I was carrying too much weight and too many burdens. I decided to write everyone’s secrets on a piece of paper. All mine too. Then I put that paper inside a bucket. Enough, I said to myself. It’s time to forgive them.
    â€œBefore I knew it, the weight vanished. And yours will too. You can read about my innovative approach to mercy weight loss in my new book. If you call now, we’ll even throw in your very own Forgiveness Jar to get things started. For free. Free! Call now to find out more about this amazing opportunity. Come on, what do you have to lose?” The corners of his mouth lifted as if attached to strings. “Except weight.”
    He turned and ran out into frothy surf.
    A phone number flashed across the screen.
    â€œMaybe you should buy the book,” TJ said shyly.
    â€œWhy?” I asked, still staring at the television.
    â€œBecause my boss lost mad weight. And fast!”
    I rolled my eyes. TJ’s boss was always trying to thrust TJ onto better things. Like herself. He nudged me gently. “If it worked you wouldn’t have to leave for camp tomorrow. You could see me graduate. Watch me audition.”
    â€œYou mean you don’t want me to go either?”
    â€œI mean you could stay here. Just buy the book.”
    â€œI don’t have a credit card,” I said.
    â€œWhat about PayPal? Order the e-book.”
    â€œNo e-reader.”
    The fish bowl, on the screen again, brimmed with folded papers. Fat people walked up to the jar, kissed their papers, and dropped them inside. As they skipped off it appeared they lost the weight before our very eyes.
    â€œYou can do that,” said TJ. “Just write down the names of people who have pissed you off.”
    â€œI’m sure the book has some kind of specific directions. There must be more to it than that.”
    â€œMaybe not,” said TJ. “My boss said she just had to forgive her boyfriend for cheating on her and forgive her fingers for stealing change out of the rental cars, and she lost like ten pounds.” TJ stared at his Converse. “Bee, you have a lot of people to forgive. Maybe all that pissiness is stuck inside you making you big, like that voice said. It makes sense in a way.”
    I bristled. “It makes absolutely no sense.”
    TJ removed his glasses and rubbed them on his shirt, a ritual he only performed when something bothered him. “You could make it like a bucket list. Write everything down like in those long letters you used to write.”
    â€œThose letters sucked. You’re crazy.”
    â€œYour letters were amazing. Just write it true. Then put it in a Cool Whip container.” He replaced his glasses. “You could start with that night, you know. When we almost—”
    â€œShut up, TJ.”
    â€œWhat?”
    â€œIt will never work.”
    TJ sighed. “It worked for all of them,” he said, nodding toward the television.
    YOU CAN NOT FAIL the voice bellowed. GUARANTEED .
    Then the commercial ended.
    â€œI mean you don’t want to go to fat camp, right?” TJ asked. “This might be your only hope.”
    â€œBut it’s just an infomercial,” I said. I looked back to the television where a woman discussed a very absorbent paper towel. I dug around behind the sofa, felt the hard plastic of the remote, and pushed the rubber button. The television buzzed off. “How am I supposed to get thin by tomorrow?”
    TJ walked to the basement stairs and sat on the third step. Behind him moonlight dripped in the window. It had to be one hundred