Big Guy Read Free

flirting I guess, but becoming friends too.
    More than friends.
    To tell you the truth, I’m pretty crazy about this guy. Did I already mention that?
    I log on to msn and there’s a message from Ethan.
    hey derek. i’m at work— booorrrrrring.

boss keeps hanging around so can’t

surf. might actually have to work if u

don’t get home soon, lol
    I grin. Ethan’s working part-time as a research assistant, inputting data for one of his mother’s professor friends. He’s doing grade twelve too—he thinks I should go back and finish, but I’d had enough.
    hey,
I type.
just got home.

how was first day?
    I think for a minute. Then I type
    definitely
weird

tell me more
    I love this about Ethan—he’s really interested in stuff. I mean, everyone would ask how your first day was, but it’s just to be polite. Not Ethan. He really wants to know.
    th boss francine is scary nurse-typ

with those scary white shoes, u no?

lol. and?

a lot of lipstick

ha ha. i mean what did u do?

i helped some lady have a shower

u didn’t

did yeah that’d be weird
    I feel a twinge of guilt talking about Aaliyah like this, but I push it aside. Another message pops up from Ethan.
    derek—gtg
    And he’s gone. Just gotta go. Not
love ya
or
later babe
or even
L8R G8R
. Nothing remotely affectionate. Instantly my insides are tight and squirming and I’m wondering what’s wrong. Maybe he was just in a hurry.Maybe his boss walked in. And he messaged me to find out how my first day was. He wouldn’t do that if he was about to dump me, right? If he was losing interest?
    I hate this. I hate how one stupid little conversation that isn’t even about anything can send me over the edge and turn me into a stupid fat seething mass of insecurity. Before Ethan, I was fine. Eternally single, maybe, but fine. I had friends. I wasn’t on the edge of panic over a missing word.
    The thing is, even though it’s all online and it’s only been a few months, it’s already kind of hard to imagine my life without Ethan in it.

Chapter Four
    I’m still sitting there, staring at the screen, when another message pops up.
    u still there?

yup, still here.
    I rub my hands over my face, relieved and a bit embarrassed. God, I’m glad Ethan has no idea how pathetic I am. Has no idea how crazy in love with him I am.
    my mom just phoned and guess what?
    I shake my head. Here I am panicking and he was just talking to his mom.
    ok what?

i have amazing news...
    I’m grinning as I type.
    u r such a tease. what news?

my sister ‘s getting married in february...

woo hoo

wait, this is good. th weddings in

kitchener. that’s close to you rite?
    I’m grinning so hard it hurts. I feel like my heart might explode.
    hell yeah. like a half hr drive

we’re gonna actually MIRL
    Meet in real life. My fingers are flying over the keys.
    brilliant. can’t believe it

me neither
    To actually be able to see Ethan, to meet him, to touch him and hold him and...
    And my heart practically thuds to a halt in my chest as I remember.
    That photo I sent him. That’s who he thinks I am. That’s who he wants to meet. Not me. Not this version of me.
    I can’t meet him.
    I sit for a few minutes, just staring at the screen. A message pops up.
    u still there?
    I know what I need to say:
    Ethan, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

In fact, I’ve been thinking maybe we

should just forget about the whole

thing—
but I can’t.
    I can’t do it.
    I can’t bring myself to end it yet, even though I know I will have to.
    I start typing.
    yeah still here. just surprised. Wow

u sure? u wondering if I’m really a

creepy 40 yr old perv?
    I wish that was what I was worrying about.
    no I googled u months ago. found you

soccer team picture from 10th grade

remember?

uh huh. i look better now

can’t wait to see u

and? wink wink

yeah that too
    I