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salads. my male coworker didn't eat. we talked about relationships. i mostly listened and waited for opportunities to say something. one time there was an opportunity to say something, but i didn't have anything to say, so i said 'oh. i don't know.' later we were talking about hickeys and i told a story about how two friends and i were sitting around one day and none of us had ever experienced a hickey so we gave each other hickeys on arbitrary, non-sexual places on our bodies. then we went to the beach. i thought this story would be funny because the experience of it was funny, but i think my coworkers thought it was deviant and strange. after i told the story they asked questions and i answered them and we were quiet. i felt embarrassed and like i needed to drink more
    eventually i think i made enough funny/relevant comments that i 'broke even,' or maybe exceeded and moved into 'well-liked'
    one coworker went home. my other coworker and i went to this bar full of people who looked like they listened to dave matthews band. we sat on bar stools. i drank two bud lights and we each had a shot of jack daniels out of a dixie cup. it was extremely crowded and dark
    we could have spent ten minutes or two hours there. i started feeling too drunk and not aware of myself anymore. we left. she asked if i would be okay to drive. i said 'yes.' it was probably 2AM
    i listened to lou reed on the way home. i ran red lights and thought 'reckless and stupid, but okay.' i focused my eyes directly in front of me so i could use my peripheral vision to concentrate on the yellow and white lines on the road. i felt like i was playing a video game
    i remember directionlessly standing in my room and i guess i called neil at 2:39AM, but he didn't pick up. then i called a girl i went to high school with and went to her apartment. we smoked pot and ate pot brownies with her roommate and a boy who looked like yogi bear's son. i remember feeling like everyone was staring at me. i would say something and there would be a long pause. i felt like i was speaking russian. i think they laughed at a few things i said
    at some point i stopped remembering details of conversations. i feel like getting drunk/stoned with people is just a way to 'pay dues' to a voice inside of me which says 'you should be social,' i don't expect it to result in feeling genuinely connected to anyone. i don't think anything is morally 'bad' about doing it sometimes, it's just something that happens
    i used to smoke pot with my ex-boyfriend and we would think of ways to make each other laugh. now when i smoke around people i feel extremely alienated and paranoid. this usually happens when people start talking about politics. whether i am stoned or sober, when political discussions start happening, i usually try to do something with my hands and think of a way to direct the conversation to something that could make everyone laugh
    i wish i could hang out with lil wayne, but i feel like he doesn't 'hang out' with girls, he mostly has sex with them. if we could just kick it and drink cough syrup and spit 16 bars it would be good

1.27.09
    i'm cleaning out my liquor cabinet tonight
    i went to the gym at 9:30PM. i walked 3.2mph on the highest incline for one hour and burned 650 calories. then i did things to stimulate 'muscular toning' in my abs and thighs. i stretched. on the treadmill i read the first 70 pages of 'the easter parade' by richard yates. i burn calories and read richard yates books at a similar rate
    today i sat in the student center for maybe three hours and finished 'a good school' by richard yates and 'introduction to evolutionary psychology' by someone named oscar. i liked both books. the evolutionary psychology one was for a class and easy to read, i finished it in two days. i read 'a good school' for fun. i almost wanted to cry at the end, when this one main character cries. i felt sad that it was over. i think richard yates is bill grove. he is also probably several other