Arrest-Proof Yourself Read Free

the criminal justice system actually does most of the time is process the third group of players, the clueless horde. Clueless petty offenders are by far the most important players in the system because, without their vast numbers, and the money that is extracted from them and their families, cops and judges would be filing for unemployment and all those brand-new police stations, jails, and administrative offices would have “for rent” signs hammered in their immaculate lawns.
    Who are these people, the bread and butter—nay, the staff of life—for millions of municipal and state employees? They are people who
possess small quantities of drugs
get an attitude with police
yell at their wives and girlfriends
drive with suspended licenses
do malicious mischief
create disturbances at clubs and parties
ride bikes at night without a light (I ’ m not kidding!)
get arrested as accessories during police raids
carry medications without the proper labels or prescriptions
“loiter,” i.e., hang out
take pocketknives and nail scissors to school
drink alcohol in public
     
    The criminal justice system often acts like a mindless bureaucracy and prosecutes cases that are absurd. For example, as this book is being written, I’m representing a 12-year-old boy who was arrested, and jailed, for throwing a pecan at a bus . A pecan! I took the case in part because, 45 years ago, my coauthor and I, then 10 years old, stood beneath a bridge and threw mud balls into a bus. We beat feet before the cops arrived. We were lucky.
    My client, however, is being charged with throwing a deadly missile, which is a third-degree felony. Years ago this was not a serious crime. It became so in the 1960s, when anti-Vietnam War demonstrations and race riots exploded around the country. Legislatures made throwing a deadly missile a felony so police could bring serious charges against the students and black Americans who were tossing rocks and bottles. But a pecan? A freaking pecan!
    Today this nut-throwing kid is being shoved through the legal sausage grinder. Even when I get him off, he will have an arrest record and will get extra scrutiny from police forever. Had my client known how to behave around police officers, he probably would have received a warning and a trip home to his mother in the back of the cruiser. Instead, he got hammered. Little boys throw things. They poke things, stick things, and kick things. It’s what they do. To arrest and prosecute them for doing dopey kid stuff is outrageous.
    Others clueless types commit offenses that are more serious but are still misdemeanors or low-level felonies. They are people who
drive under the influence of drugs or alcohol
do not pay child support or fail to keep up licenses, tags, and insurance; show up for trial; pay restitution; or perform every jot and tittle of their terms of probation
are rowdy, drunk, obnoxious, and get in fights
buy sex from male and female prostitutes
     

IS THIS A HOW-TO-BE-A-CROOK BOOK?
     
    No. If it were, the title would be different—something like Perfect Murders: A Step-by-Step Guide , or Your Future in Armed Robbery . This book deals exclusively with the plight of clueless petty offenders who comprise the overwhelming majority of people who are arrested, jailed, and tried by a criminal justice system that to an alarming degree is operating mindlessly on autopilot. FBI statistics show that violent crimes are down, way down, from what they were 10 and 20 years ago, yet the jails are packed and criminal court calendars are hopelessly jammed. Who are all these people getting busted? Let’s look.
     
    THE CRIMINAL PYRAMID

     
    At the top are those we fear most—violent criminals. Police are quite competent in arresting murderers, armed robbers, rapists, and child molesters. The more crafty serial killers and sex criminals may take a long time to catch, but police are dogged, and they spend years hunting these guys.
    The other occupants of the top perch in crime land