A Sting in the Tale Read Free

and laid them to rest, roughly reassembled and side by side, as they had spent their lives.
    I could go on. I could mention the awful fate of my axolotl, or my botched attempt to perform corrective surgery on a badly injured rook. Suffice it to say that being one of my pets was a dangerous business.
    As well as amassing a diverse array of living creatures, I became an avid collector. I am embarrassed to admit that this started with birds’ eggs. In the 1970s in rural England this was a very common hobby for boys. Many of my friends collected eggs, and we would vie with one another to obtain unusual specimens. My father showed me how to blow the eggs; he had collected them himself as a boy, along the same hedgerows that I now searched. One grinds a tiny hole at each end by spinning a pin between one’s fingers while pushing the tip against the shell. The idea is to then blow on one end, forcing the contents out through the opposite pinhole. Easy enough with a chicken’s egg, but incredibly fiddly with the tiny white-and-brown-speckled egg of a wren. My prize specimen came from a mute swan. When out ‘egging’ along the local canal bank with my friends Les and Mark (or ‘Butt’ as we knew him, for reasons long forgotten), we spotted the egg lying in an abandoned nest in a reed bed near the opposite bank. The rest of them had long since hatched and the parents and cygnets were nowhere to be seen. Without hesitation we threw our jumpers and T-shirts off, knowing that the first to get there would win the prize. Butt and Les started peeling off their jeans, but I just leapt in half-clothed and beat them to it. The egg was putrid inside; when I pushed the pin into it a stream of creamy, lumpy goo erupted from the end, squirting into my face and smelling to high heaven. Blowing out the rest of the contents was a memorable ordeal, which my long-suffering father helped me with in the end as I had turned green from the smell. The egg was eventually placed, still rather whiffy, in pride of place in the centre of my display case on my bedroom wall.
    Modern readers will be horrified by all of this. Egg collectors are now only one small step above serial killers in the social hierarchy (in fact, I suppose in a sense they are serial killers, so fair enough). It is true that most of the eggs I collected were alive when I took them, unlike the swan’s egg. I do not defend egg collecting; I certainly would not allow my three boys to do it. But I did learn an awful lot about natural history by spending my days hunting for eggs. We only ever took one from a nest, and did our best to disturb it as little as possible. This does not, of course, make it right. Collecting the eggs of extremely rare birds is clearly a heinous crime, and I am glad that I never managed to find anything particularly rare. But I sometimes think that we are poor at keeping perspective on our activities, and those of others. How many condemn egg collecting, for instance, while allowing their pet cat to roam unfettered? (Domestic cats kill millions of birds and small mammals each year.)
    From eggs I moved on to collecting insects, starting with butterflies. My mother, bless her, was not keen on this – but I persuaded her that I would only take a male and female of each species, and could not do too much harm. To start my collection I bought a dead, dry but very beautiful tropical swallowtail from a butterfly farm in Dorset called Worldwide Butterflies. It arrived in a paper envelope inside a small cardboard box which I opened with great excitement. What I hadn’t anticipated was that the specimen would not have been ‘set’, which is to say that its wings were folded shut, and it did not have a pin through it. I tried to open the wings, not understanding that this is impossible with a dry butterfly; they are incredibly brittle and delicate. The wings snapped off along with most of the legs as I clumsily tried to arrange it in an