A Step Toward Falling Read Free

songs and their dates. It wasn’t about me, but it also wasn’t terrible. We’ve gotten through it fine, or at least everyone has overlooked the awful job I just did my first day in this class.
BELINDA
    L ATELY I’ VE BEEN WATCHING Pride and Prejudice a lot. Not the new version starring Keira Knightly, but the old one that takes longer to watch and stars Colin Firth. It’s the only boxed DVD set that Nan owns but she says that’s okay, it’s the only DVD set she needs. Nan loves Mr. Darcy who is also Colin Firth and so do I.
    Lately I’ve been watching it all day long instead of going to school.
    I go to Westchester High School but this is my last year, which means I am supposed to be having a great time. My first day of school this year Mom played a song called “Anticipation,” because she wanted to make me feel less nervous. The singer kept saying, “Stay right here ’cause these are the good old days,” which made me think maybe I should stay right there at home and not get on the school bus because sometimes at school, I do not feel like these are the good old days.
    I got on the bus, though. Then I sat where I always sit,in the first seat behind the driver. Some years the driver changes and instead of a man named Carl, we have a woman named Sue. Even if this happens, though, I never change where I sit, which is right behind the driver. Behind the driver means no bus jerks can make fun of me or do their jokes where they pretend to be my friend and then give me candy that’s been on the dirty bus floor. Behind the driver means I usually sit near seventh graders who are scared, too.
    I’ve been going to school so long it shouldn’t scare me anymore but sometimes it does. Before the first day of school, Nan reminds me of the things I love about school, like my job in the main office, which is sorting paper for recycling and delivering mail. Nan also makes a list of all the teachers I love like Rhonda, Carla, and Ms. Culpepper. By then, I usually remember other things I love like the mandarin oranges from the cafeteria, the art display cases, and listening to band practice. Nan helps me remember those things better than Mom, who tries but sometimes forgets stuff.
    Now everything is different. Now Nan is trying to help me forget. Instead of going to school, she lets me stay home every day and watch Pride and Prejudice . If Mom asks her when I’m going to go back to school, Nan says, “For God’s sake, Lauren, let her be. At least we know she’s safe here.”
    Usually Mom and Nan don’t fight in front of me. Usually they don’t fight much because Mom has limitations and depression. Mom does what she can to help me butI don’t need much anymore so she doesn’t do a lot. For instance, I used to make my own lunch and pack it in my zipper lunch bag. But that was back when I went to school and took a lunch. Now I don’t go to school anymore so I don’t pack my lunch either.
    I watch the screen, where Jane is trying not to cry after Mr. Bingley leaves town without saying so much as a word. Just watching her try not to cry makes me start to cry. Even in Pride and Prejudice people are mean. They don’t think about other people’s feelings. Usually I like imagining I am Elizabeth, but today I close my eyes and feel just like Jane, who thought she’d made a friend and turned out to be wrong.
    Sometimes I do things that make other people have uncomfortable thoughts. If I talk too much about Colin Firth, for instance, it gives teachers uncomfortable thoughts. Once Rhonda, my speech therapist, told me her uncomfortable thought: “I’m bored with Colin Firth! I don’t know him. He lives far away and I don’t want to talk about him anymore!”
    We both laughed even though I didn’t think what she said was funny. I can’t imagine being bored with Colin Firth. That’s because I love him and