2007-Eleven Read Free Page A

are the Customer, and the Customer Is Always Right, so the Customer can screw around and waste the time of men who bust their balls for a living, and it doesn’t matter that the Customer Is Full of Shit. Who taught you to buy clothes? You stupid, lard-assed deadbeat.
    That’s it. I’ve had it. I don’t care whose nephew you are. I don’t care who you’re boffing. You drive everybody goddamn nuts. This catalog costs big money, but what do you care? You get it for free. That’s the problem. You don’t respect what you cannot buy. Well, buy
something,
asshole. AND IT’S MADE IN THE USA!

The Clintstones

    Clintstones, meet the Clintstones.

They’re the modern New Age family.

From the town of Li’l Rock,

It’s a place right out of history.
    H ILLARY, I’M HO-OME! WHAT’S FOR DINNER?
    Your favorite, Bill. McBrontosaurus burgers. Why are you late?
    Aww, I had a tough day at the Oval Cave. Old Man Dole was stonewalling again. Plus, I was in a presidential motorcade, and my feet are killing me. HEY, LET’S EAT!
    Sorry, Bill, I’m late for a hearing on health-care reform. And you’ve got work to do tonight. You’ve got to bone up for tomorrow’s news conference. And it’s time that you balanced the budget.
    But, honey, all that pebble counting is for the wonks. Nobody in Washington, B.C., expects a balancedbudget. Besides, nothing is ever carved in stone until—
    See you later, Bill. I gotta go. Good-bye.
    Yeah, too-da-loo. Well, I guess there’s no escaping work. But, sheesh, this thing must weigh a ton. Where was I? National Endowment for Cave Drawings … Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Fire … Tar Wars.…
    Hiya Billy boy! What’s goin’ on?
    Al! Well, it just so happens that I’m doing detailed, scientific calculations of the national budget, that’s all. What are you doing?
    Same as usual. Nothing. Wanna go out on the town?
    Not a chance, Al. I am too committed to focusing in on this economy like a flaming spear, and—
    Everybody’s going: Dan Rockstenkowski, Bob Packstone, Howard Mastodonbalm.…
    Sorry, Al, but my work is critical. If it’s not done just right, the deficit could skyrocket, and future generations will suffer. Therefore, it’s up to yours truly, Bill Clintstone, to—
    We got backstage passes to see Barbra Streisandstone.
    Hold it, hold it, HOLD IT! Did you say BarbraStreisandstone? What are we waiting for? BUBBA-DUBBA-DOOOOO!
    (
Meanwhile
): I’m awfully sorry, Ms. Rodham-Clintstone, but with the reform package stuck in gridlock, the hearing had to be canceled. But we have for you and Mr. Clintstone two passes to see Barbra Streisandstone tonight.
    Oh, that’s nice, but I can’t bother Bill. He’s home, diligently balancing the budget. Gee, though, I’d hate to see these passes go to waste. Maybe I’ll call Tipper.…
    (
Later, at the Whitewater Club
): … are the luck-i-est ape-men in … the … wo-o-o-rld.
    ATTA-GIRL, BARBRA! WHOO-WHOO-WHOO!
    Hey, Bill, better get down off my shoulders. I think I see Hillary and Tipper.
    Oh no, Al! If my wife finds me here, I’ll end up extinct.
    Quick, duck into this dressing room, and I’ll— OOOH, HIYA GIRLS, what are you doing here?
    My hearing was canceled, Al, so I invited Tipper to the show. Unfortunately, some loudmouth over here ruined it. I could swear I heard Bill. You haven’t seen him, have you?
    Me? See Bill? Bill Clintstone? Uh, no. He’s— home—balancing the budget.
    Crash.
    What was that, Hillary?
    I don’t know, Tipper. There was a bang, then something that sounded like the grunt of a woolly mammoth. It came from Barbra Streisandstone’s dressing room. Yoo-hoo, Barbra, are you all right in there?
    Mmm-mmm.
    Do you need anything?
    Uh-uhm.
    Ex-cuze me, peeble, I love you, but who are you tawking to?
    BARBRA STREISANDSTONE! But if you’re here, who’s in there?
    Let’s see. Ex-cuze me, lady, but what are you doing in my room?
    Uh, Ms. Streisandstone, this is—uh—Mrs. Bush! It’s