01 - Pongwiffy a Witch of Dirty Habits Read Free

smelt as though they had crawled out of a blocked-up
drain.
    “Roight, boys!” said Plugugly. “Bit of ’ush if you please. Our
neighbour wants a word. Yer.”
    The Goblins sniggered and nudged each other.
    “Yes,” said Pongwiffy severely. “I do. I’m getting very tired of you lot. In
fact, I’m not putting up with another minute of it. You’ve brought my ceiling
down. My best friend’s not speaking to me and my hot water bottle’s punctured.
It’s a disgrace. In fact, I’m seriously thinking of casting a Spell of
Banishment on you. What do you say to that, eh?”
    To her surprise, none of the Goblins looked the least bit worried. In fact,
several of them tittered. One even yawned.
    “So I’m warning you now,” continued Pongwiffy uneasily. “Any more noise, and
that’s it. Whoosh, gone, the pack of you.”
    “Let’s see yer do it,” croaked Slopbucket, sidling closer.
    “Her her her. Yer, let’s see yer do it!” was the general cry.
    “I will!” threatened Pongwiffy. “I will, too. Unless you promise to remove
your boots and whisper from now on. Do you?”
    “NO!” came the howled chorus. “NO! NO! NO!” And they cheered and began a slow
hand clap as Pongwiffy seized her Wand and held it aloft.
    Now, that was very odd, for a Witch’s Wand is guaranteed to put fear into the
heart of any Goblin. Brutes, bullies and thorough-going pests that they are,
they have one disadvantage, apart from being stupid. They Can’t Work Magic.
    Pongwiffy gave her Wand a little shake to make sure it was working. Green
sparks crackled at the tip and it began to hum. All was well.
    “Here I go! One Banishing Spell coming up!” And she began the chant.
     
    Blow you winds with all your might,
    Blow these Goblins from my sight.
    Where you blow them I don’t care,
    ’Long as they’re not here, but there!
     
    Nothing happened. The Goblins nudged each other, grinning. Pongwiffy frowned at her Wand
and tried again.
     
    Blow you winds with might and main,
    Goblins drive me quite insane.
    Take them to a cavern deep
    So I can get a good night’s sleep!
     
    Still nothing. Then she became aware of wheezing chortles and horrible
strangled snorting noises. The Goblins were laughing!
    They fell about, digging each other in the ribs and hooting with mirth.
    “I don’t understand it,” mumbled Pongwiffy, staring aghast at her Wand, which
had ceased to spark, or even hum, and had a knot in it! “It’s always
worked before…”
    “It’s quite simple, really,” explained Plugugly, mopping his streaming eyes.
“It’s like this, yer see. We bin banished already! To this ’ere cave. So
you’re stuck wiv us. Har har har!”
    “What?”
    “True as I’m standin’ ’ere, ain’t it, boys? It were a Wizard what
done it. At our lass place. ’E comes complainin’ about the noise, see, just like
you. We gives ’im a bit o’ lip, see, an’ in the end ’e declares us a—what were
it again?”
    “Public Nuisance!” roared the Goblins with great pride.
    “Yer, dat’s it. Public Noosunse. So ’e gives us the boot ’n banishes us ’ere.
An’ ’ere we gorra stay. Fer ever. So your feeble ole spells won’t work!” Which was true. Wizard Magic is strong stuff, and not easily undone.
    “Her her her,” wheezed Plugugly, shoulders heaving. “Worra laugh ain’t it,
eh?”
    “No,” snapped Pongwiffy coldly. “It isn’t.”
    “Tell yer what, though,” continued Plugugly. “We can come to a—wassit called
again?”
    “Compromise?” said Pongwiffy hopefully.
    “Yer, dassit. Compromise. You don’t come round ’ere again complainin’, and we
won’t smash yer place up. ’Ows that sound? Reesnubbo?” It didn’t sound reasonable
at all. Pongwiffy glared into his grinning, stupid face and debated whether to
punch him on the nose or move out the next day.
    She moved out the next day.

 
     
CHAPTER TWO
HOUSE HUNTING
     
     
    “It’s very kind of you to put me up, Sharky,” said Pongwiffy to