Whore Stories Read Free

Blanche’s sexual desires were still left unfulfilled. It was a dark and disappointing time for a three-legged, multivaginaed working girl from the colonies. But wait! Here comes Juan Baptista dos Santos, the only man on the planet capable of satisfying her rabid lust, and vice-versa. Baptista dos Santos was not as profligate with his talent (two penises, both locked, loaded, and ready to party), often turning down great sums of money to display his double trouble.
But upon hearing dos Santos was passing through Paris, Blanche made contact and the two developed a special connection, their postcoital triage no doubt resembling a garage sale of helixed genitalia and assorted anatomical oddities. In the end, Dumas and dos Santos appear to have lived happily ever after, with Dumas saying goodbye to the courtesan life and dos Santos saying hello to the kind of gnarly and bone-breaking sex life I once imagined when I ate the bad acid.
XAVIERA HOLLANDER
PRO FILE
DAY JOB: Secretary, Dutch Consulate
CLAIM TO FAME: Authoring one of the most successful memoirs in history, The Happy Hooker ; legendary NYC madam; gave new meaning to the expression “doggy-style.”
THEATER OF OPERATIONS: Manhattan
It’s a rare thing for the sex industry to produce a “fairy tale” scenario that doesn’t involve a trick towel and a hefty credit card bill. So let’s get acquainted with Xaviera Hollander, otherwise known as “The Happy Hooker.” Unlike so many unfortunate souls who’ve sold their bodies to the night, Ms. Hollander has come out of the whole affair unscathed. Rather, the ex-prostitute and madam is now a millionaire memoirist and business tycoon whose musings and advice have appeared in the Penthouse column “Call Me Madam” for more than thirty years.
Born Vera de Vries in 1943 in what is now Indonesia, Hollander once held the dubious distinction of being selected “Miss Tick” (better known as “Holland’s Greatest Secretary”) before moving to New York and starting one of the most successful brothels the city has ever known, “The Vertical Whorehouse.”
The “Vertical Whorehouse,” which Hollander operated from 1969 to 1971, was located in a high-rise at Seventy-Third Street and York Avenue in Manhattan, and advertised un-ironically in the New York Times real estate section as having “the ultimate in services and conveniences,” canine companions notwithstanding.
In a Pygmalionian career arc that took her from serving as a lowly secretary at the Dutch consulate to reigning as the Big Apple’s most sought-after madam in a matter of a few years, Hollander raised a few eyebrows, along with other assorted body parts, even among FBI agents and local law enforcement charged with bringing her down. This kind of thing doesn’t look good, so authorities came and shut down the Vertical Whorehouse for good. The Happy Hooker was promptly booted out of the country to relocate in Toronto.
But, not all Hollander’s brilliance proved to be along the x -axis. Her landmark 1972 memoir, The Happy Hooker: My Own Story, launched this prostitute into the cultural stratosphere. With a genital warts-and-all attitude toward discussing her experiences in the sex trade, The Happy Hooker went on to become an international bestseller and the only memoir on the list where the protagonist copulates with a German shepherd during a sojourn in South Africa. “I’d be a moral fraud if I ignored it,” she noted with no apparent sense of irony.
Today, with numerous bestsellers to her name, a client list for the ages, and a couple of quaint B&Bs in Amsterdam and Marbella, the Happy Hooker is still living the high life. . . . HEY! You still there? It’s okay—nobody blames you—we’re all still thinking about the German shepherd, too.
MADAME DE POMPADOUR
PRO FILE
DAY JOB: Bourgeois loafer
CLAIM TO FAME: Mistress of Louis XV
THEATER OF OPERATIONS: Versailles, France
(eighteenth century)
Jeanne Antoinette-Poisson was born in 1721 in Paris and died