Unsoul'd Read Free

asked. It seemed likely, after all. At least as likely as the devil channel-surfing for Law & Order episodes in my apartment.
    "That's just like you people," he sniffed. "Blaming me for everything. Believe me, you guys are--"
    "Is this the part where you tell me that there's plenty of evil in the human heart and we don't need your outside influence to maim and murder each other?"
    "Well, it was going to be that part," he fumed. "You just can't let me have any fun at all, can you?" And then he stormed out.
    I actually said "Thank God" out loud before I realized that was sort of ironic.

Wherein My Ex Stops By and Does Not Have Sex with Me
    The devil was eating cold cereal and watching an old episode of Three's Company when I woke up late the next morning. One of the perks of the freelance lifestyle is that I wake up when I choose. But usually I'm alone.
    "Are you kidding me? Seriously? This wasn't in the contract, this bit with you hanging around all the time and eating my food."
    The devil pulled a wounded face. "Dude, if it's bothering you, just say so. No need to drop a sarcasm bomb on me. I have feelings, too, you know."
    "You do?"
    He thought about it. "Probably not. But I simulate them pretty well. And you have hurt my simulated human feelings."
    "I apologize."
    He smiled and wolfed down a big, dripping spoonful. "There. Now was that so horrible? Oh, hey, by the way -- a package came a little while ago. I signed for it because I'm helpful like that."
    I wasn't expecting anything, so I made my way to the front door, where a large brown box squatted just inside.  
    "You could thank me, you know," the devil complained. "And since when is your name Fiona Weller?"
    Ugh. Looking at the box, I saw that, yes, Fiona's name was on the label. "That's my ex-girlfriend." I called her and got voicemail. "Hey, Fi, it's Randall. That package from Amazon arrived. I'll be around today if you want to pick it up."
    I put down the phone, and turned around to the very disconcerting sight of the devil glaring at me in disapproval. The fact that the devil looked like a slacker hipster didn't make the glare any less disconcerting -- I knew it was the devil behind those lazy, cool-green eyes.
    "Why is your ex-girlfriend having packages sent here?"
    "She was out of town when it was supposed to--"
    "Uh huh."
    "Look, I'm not getting into this with you. It's complicated."
    "I bet."
    "Look, it's not a big deal. We're still friends--"
    The devil reared back and howled with laughter. "I love it! I love the 'We're still friends.' I wish I could congratulate whoever invented that. It's responsible for a nice, hefty chunk of human misery and deception. At least tell me that when she gets here, she's not just picking up that package, if you get my drift."
    A brief image of Fi's lean torso, sweat-glimmering in the half-light of the bedroom, blazed before my mind's eye so powerfully that I thought I could reach out and touch it.
    "It's not like that," I told him.
    He grinned. "But you wish it were. Good for you! You're letting her drop stuff off here; you deserve a little knob-polish for that."
    Another image: Fi's pert, heart-shaped ass turned up at me the one time--
    I shook my head. Was the devil doing this to me? Making me see these things? I wanted to believe he was -- I was proud that I had finally stopped fantasizing about Fi six months after our breakup -- but the truth was sadder, I suspected.
    I changed the topic. "What name did you use? When you signed for the package?"
    "I signed it 'Satan, Lord of Lowest Doom and Melancholy, King of the Nine Hells, Prince of Darkness and Eternal Woe, Infernal Master of Cold Flame and Absent Spaces.'"
    "Yeah, like there was room for that on the little signing pad."
    "No, you douchebag, I just signed your name." He glanced skyward. "Lord, what fools these mortals be."
    "Did you just quote Shakespeare?"
    "Who do you think gave him that line? Why don't you ever give me any credit for anything?"
    "I've only known you