Unidentified Funny Objects 2 Read Free Page B

of MSG? When I told Noah to use gopher wood to construct the Ark, do you think he just substituted cedars? No. When I tell you to do something, you do it exactly the way I tell you. No modifications!”
    “‘Show initiative!’ ‘No modifications!’ I’m getting conflicting messages here.”
    “I get that complaint a lot. Join the club.”
    God waited as Rebecca sprinkled salt over the golem. “More, more. Lots more. Make it inedible to the rats.”
    “I’m going to get a taste of this at Passover, aren’t I? Parsley in salt water?”
    “Where do you think I got the idea? All Jews remember the taste of tears. It comes in handy.”
    NOW SOAKED IN SALT, the golem was having a much easier time fending off the attacking rats. One after another, it captured the rats and brought them back. Soon, the bathtub was filled to capacity. The rats climbed over each other. A few almost jumped out.
    “This isn’t going to work,” God said. “You need a bigger tub.”
    Rebecca decided that the best way to hold all the rats was to use the entire bathroom.
    She opened the fan vent in the ceiling of the bathroom, and ordered the golem to herd the rats towards that opening until they dropped down into the locked bathroom.
    “Whatever you do, don’t go into my bathroom,” Rebecca said to her mother and rushed off before she could ask any questions.
    “JUST ONE MORE rat to go,” God said, excitedly. “I think we’ll be able to do this.”
    The last rat was strong, fat, about the size of a cat. His black-and-white fur was getting patchy in places. He waddled a bit when he walked, but he could still put on a sprint when he needed to.
    Not for nothing was he the smartest rat on the ship. He knew that he was being herded, and he dodged the golem in the maze of HVAC ducts, refusing to go anywhere near Rebecca’s room.
    Rebecca ran through the ship, following the skittering and pounding footsteps overhead. She ran through the promenade deck, dodging couples standing by windows full of red-shifted star fields; she excused herself as she rushed into and out of a seminar room full of startled cruise passengers listening to an investment lecture; she ran up and down flights of stairs, hoping to help the golem.
    Finally, the rat decided that it was better to reveal his existence to the ship’s crew than to be captured by the lumbering, terrifying mud monster. He dropped out of one of the overhead vents and landed in the middle of the kitchen.
    Rebecca burst into the kitchen from the dining room and lunged after the rat, but he changed direction at the last minute, leapt onto a nearby stack of boxes, and jumped onto the stainless steel counter.
    The head chef, sous-chefs, waiters, and busboys stared, mouths agape. A fat rat was running loose in their kitchen; a little girl was yelling and chasing after it; and plop , a pile of mud fell out of the vent over their heads, landed on top of the counter, and stood up like a little person.
    The head chef fainted.
    “Get him!” Rebecca yelled. “I’ll cut off his retreat.” She rushed to the other end of the counter, hoping that the rat, trying to get away from the pursuing golem, would skid right into her waiting plastic bag.
    The rat kept on running towards Rebecca. But why was the rat grinning?
    In the middle of the counter was a sink, half filled with water and dirty dishes. The rat jumped right into the sink and swam across the soapy water with little effort. It climbed up the other side and turned around.
    Oh no , Rebecca thought. Water and mud .
    “Stop!” She shouted at the golem and waved her arms frantically, smacking the face of a busboy who was trying to get a closer look at the animated mud statue. “Sorry!” Rebecca glanced at the boy to be sure he was okay while still shouting instructions to the golem, “Go around! Get him on the other side!”
    The golem tried to stop, but it slipped on the soapy puddle next to the sink and fell into the water. It sank