Turning Thirty Read Free

her both the menu for the nearest takeaway pizzeria and my credit card.
    â€˜No, it wasn’t Matt after all,’ said Elaine sweetly, into the phone, while miming the swiping of my credit card through an imaginary card reader. ‘I must be hearing things. Well, I must be going, Cynthia. I think I hear the door buzzer. ‘Bye.’ She moved to put the phone down but was forced to stop half-way as my mother was still talking. ‘No, I don’t think it’ll be Matt, Cynthia,’ she said patiently. ‘He’s been such a good boy recently that I actually let him have his own keys.’ With that she hung up.
    â€˜You’re such a baby, Matt,’ she said, rolling her eyes. ‘I don’t know why you couldn’t have suggested getting a takeaway in the first place.’
    â€˜It was your turn to cook,’ I protested. ‘You do know what “your turn” means, don’t you?’
    â€˜Yes, well . . .’ she began, but her retort faded away as she picked up the delivery menu and scanned through it. ‘It looks like it’s going to be my turn to call the pizza place, doesn’t it?’ She continued to scan the menu, and every now and again she mouthed the name of a pizza as if rolling the word around her tongue was an experience similar to eating it.
    â€˜I’m sure your mom knew I was lying,’ she said, her finger hovering above a Hawaiian Meat Feast. ‘The last thing in the world I need is for her to not like me. You know how important it is that everyone likes me. I can’t sleep if I know there’s someone thinking bad thoughts about me – even in England.’ She flopped back against the sofa then swivelled round to lay her head on my lap. ‘That has got to be the last time I ever lie to Mrs B.’
    â€˜Sure,’ I responded. ‘Just as long as you remember your words of wisdom next time Mama and Papa Thomas ring and you want me to pretend you’re in the shower.’
    â€˜Well said, my good man,’ said Elaine, adopting a pitiful English accent. ‘I’ll lie for you and you lie for me, that’s the deal. But remember, if we get struck down by lightning for lying to our parents in years to come, we’ll only have ourselves to blame.’
    â€˜How long were you on the phone to her anyway?’
    â€˜She was only going to talk for about five minutes because of the cost. So I called her back,’ she thought for a moment, ‘so all in all that would be about half an hour.’
    â€˜To England?’
    She rolled her eyes again.
    â€˜Do you know how much that’ll cost?’
    â€˜It’s only money, Matt. You’re meant to spend it. If you didn’t spend it, it wouldn’t be money. It would be just pieces of paper that you never did anything with.’
    â€˜You really believe that, don’t you?’
    â€˜Every word,’ she said, and smiled angelically.
    There was no point in arguing with Elaine on this one. At the best of times she had only the most tenuous grasp of the principle of not spending every single dollar she earned, and even then she ignored it.
    â€˜What were you two talking about?’ I asked.
    â€˜Girl stuff.’
    â€˜What kind of girl stuff? She wasn’t asking you when we’re having kids again, was she?’ My mum had really been trying to bond with Elaine because she’d made up her mind that she might be the one to give her grandchildren. ‘Tell me she wasn’t.’
    Elaine laughed. ‘Nothing so sinister. She just wanted to ask me what you were doing for your thirtieth. And if you’re going to spend it in the UK.’
    â€˜It’s not until the end of March!’
    â€˜We girls like to prepare.’
    â€˜So what did you say?’
    â€˜I said you didn’t know.’
    â€˜What did she say?’
    â€˜She said you should give it some thought.’
    â€˜What did you say