True Confessions of Adrian Albert Mole Read Free

Noel Coward?
What is BUPA?
What are ‘wellingtons’?
Who is Tony Benn?
Petrol…you mean gas?
Is The Archers a radio serial about Robin Hood?
Is the Co-op a commie-run store?
Is VAT a kinda tax?
Eating a chapati?…Isn’t chapati French for hat?
Rouge?…Don’t you mean blusher?
Is an Alsatian a German Shepherd?
What’s a Rasta?
Send info back soonest,
Yours eagerly, your old buddy
Hamish
PS. Mum’s in the Betty Ford Clinic. She’s doin’ OK, they’ve cured everything but the kleptomania.
Leicester
February 1 st 1985
Dear Hamish,
Thanks for your long letter but please try to put postage stamps on the envelope next time you write. You are rich and I am poor; I cannot afford to subsidize your scribblings. You owe me twenty-six pence. Please send it immediately.
I am not so desperate about my complexion that I have to resort to covering my face with purée of frog. In fact, Hamish, I was repelled and disgusted by your advice, and anyway my mother hasn’t got a blender. She has stopped cooking entirely. My father and I forage for ourselves as best we can. I’m pleased that you enjoyed reading my diary even though many of the references were unfamiliar to you. I am enclosing a glossary for your edification.
RSPCA stands for: the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
Malcolm Muggeridge: is an old intellectual who is always on TV. A bit like Gore Vidal, only more wrinkles.
PE shorts: running shorts as worn in Physical Education.
Yes, the Morning Star is a communist newspaper.
Skegness is a proletarian sea-side resort. Skegness rock is tubular candy.
’V’ sign: it means…get stuffed!
Toad in the hole: a batter pudding containing sausages.
Woodbines: small, lethally strong cigarettes.
Family Allowance: a small government payment made to parents of all children.
Kevin Keegan: a genius footballer now retired.
Barclaycard: plastic credit card.
Yorkshire Puddings: batter puddings minus sausages.
Broadcasting House: headquarters of the BBC.
Work it out for yourself.
Mars Bars: yes, it’s candy, and very satisfying it is too.
Sainsbury’s: is where teachers, vicars and suchlike do their food shopping.
PDSA: People’s Dispensary for Sick Animals. A place where poor people take their ill animals.
GCEs are exams.
Big and Bouncy : a copy is on its way to you. Hide it from your mum.
Bovril: is a nourishing meat extract drink.
Evergreens: a club for wrinklies over 65 years.
Social Services: government agency to help the unfortunate, the unlucky, and the poor.
Spotted Dick: is a suet pudding containing sultanas. I find your sexual innuendoes about my favourite pudding offensive in the extreme.
Detention Centre: jail for teenagers.
Black Magic: dark chocolates.
Sheffield: refer to map.
Habitat: store selling cheap, fashionable furniture.
Radio Four: BBC-run channel, bringing culture, news and art to Britain’s listening masses.
’O’ level: see GCEs.
Copper’s nark: rat fink who gives the police information about criminal activity.
Noddy: fictional figure from childhood. I hate his guts.
Dole: Social Security: yes, it’s Welfare.
Sir Edmund Hillary: first bloke to climb Everest.
Alma Cogan: singer, now alas dead.
Lucozade: non-alcoholic drink. Invalids guzzle it.
Conker: round shiny brown nut. The fruit of the horse chestnut. British children thread string through them, and then engage in combat by smashing one conker against another. The kid whose conker gets smashed loses.
AWOL: British Army expression. It means absent without leave.
Noel Coward: wit, singer, playwright, actor, songwriter. Ask your mother, she probably knew him.
BUPA: private medicine, a bit like the Blue Cross.
Wellingtons: rubber boots. The Queen wears them.
Tony Benn: an ex-aristocrat, now a fervent Socialist politician.
Petrol: OK…OK…gas.
The Archers : a radio serial about English country-folk.
The Co-op: a grocery chain run on Socialist principles.
VAT: a tax. The scourge of small businesses.
Chapati: not a French hat. It’s a