Tigers on the Beach Read Free

her.’
    â€˜We have an intermittent relationship.’
    â€˜I think you mean intimate.’
    â€˜Probably. You haven’t seen her good side,’ says Grandpa. ‘Very few people have.’
    â€˜How did you find the best joke in the world?’
    â€˜I’m not sure. It just sort of came to me.’
    â€˜Someone must have made it up.’
    â€˜I think jokes fall out of the blue. They’re a bit like dreams. Or maybe they breed on the internet? By the way, I sent you an email this morning.’
    â€˜Is it a joke?’
    â€˜Not quite. But I think you might enjoy it.’
    I take one last shot. ‘Will you
please
tell me the world’s best joke? The one that makes people fall in love with you?’
    â€˜Later,’ says Grandpa. ‘We have to get back. I don’t want Doris to worry.’
    Even though Grandpa has annoyed Grandma by being too slow returning from the beach, I see them holding hands at the end of the day, walking slowly back to the car. I wonder if Grandma knows that Grandpa is more in love with her than any other woman in the world? I wonder if he ever tells her or if he just jokes about it.
    Back at The Ponderosa I check my reflection in the bathroom mirror, and see my big round face with no eyebrows. Do I really have a purple aura, and can Grandpa really see it? For a fraction of a second, I think I see a purple glow around my head.
    Of course, it might just be my imagination.
    I wonder if Samantha has an aura. I bet it’s a sexy one. I bet her last name is sexy too.

The Ponderosa probably seems a strange name for the ten holiday cabins my family owns and runs. It’s named after a ranch in an ancient TV series called
Bonanza
, which my dad loved when he was a kid. Our surname is Cartwright, the same as the family in
Bonanza
. But the Cartwrights from
Bonanza
were in the cattle business. We are in the hospitality business. Xander calls it the
hostility business
. My parents, Xander and I live in cabin number one, the biggest. It has two bedrooms and is directly behind the front office, or the ‘reception area’ as Mum and Dad prefer to call it. Xander and I share a bedroom, which I hate doing. We also share a bathroom, which I hate even more. The nine other cabins are for holiday-makers.
    Nathan and Marika are our two helpers. Marika is young, good-looking and Greek. Nathan is university-educated, very serious and hopelessly in love with her. He is also in his mid-twenties, has a beard and is already going bald. Every morning, Nathan and I have to sweep up the little pellets of crap that the possums leave in the driveway at night. We call it possum duty.
    â€˜Where do the possums go?’ I ask Nathan, as I sweep. ‘They run around at night growling. But where do they go during the day?’
    â€˜They must have a nest nearby,’ Nathan says.
    â€˜How can we get rid of them?’
    â€˜You can’t. They’re protected.’
    â€˜But what if we caught the possums in a cage and released them somewhere else? That’d be okay, wouldn’t it?’
    Nathan looks stern. ‘No. That’s against the law.’
    â€˜But they sell possum traps at the store.’
    â€˜They’re illegal. It’s cruel to relocate possums. They get upset if they’re separated from their families.’ The conversation no longer interests Nathan because he has seen Marika. ‘Oh god, look at Marika. Isn’t she the most beautiful thing you ever saw?’
    Nathan admires his Greek goddess, who is wheeling a basket full of damp towels on a squeaky trolley. I’m not so crazy about Marika. She never listens and only ever talks about herself.
    â€˜Hi, Marika,’ I call.
    â€˜I have an eye infection,’ says Marika.
    Nathan looks at her longingly, as if an eye infection is the most romantic thing anyone could have.
    â€˜Have you seen the wild horses of Mongolia?’ Nathan asks me, when Marika has