This Is a Book Read Free Page B

master
.
     
    Should I call you “Genie”?
    No. Don’t do that. I
hate
being called “Genie.” It’s rude. I have a name. It’s Akbal. Learn it, use it, and pronounce it correctly. It’s “Akbal” with a short ‘a.’ (I’m also fine with “Sir,” “Your Honor,” and “Magic One.”)
     
    Can I wish for anything I want?
    I’m guessing by now you know the answer:… it’s
No
. There are strict limits regarding what wishes qualify for granting, and there are more than a few, so read this section carefully. I will not explain it to you after this.
     
     
Plausibility
: A wish must be plausible. I can’t make something happen that’s just impossible (i.e., if you wish to be “the best dancer in the world” you are asking for something that is very subjective and therefore technically not possible—and also very stupid, in my opinion).
Specificity
: Be as specific as you can with your wish, because as a genie I am fully within my rights to use my own discretion to interpret your wish (i.e., if you wish “to be able to fly” don’t be surprised if you end up with plane tickets).
Paradoxes
: I cannot grant a wish that will change human history. Those kinds of wishes require tearing the fabric ofthe Universe, which equals mountains of paperwork for me. So let’s avoid that altogether.
Love
: No genie can make anyone love anyone else. I can make someone really like you or become infatuated with you, but if I were you I’d think long and hard about whether you want this, because once I grant that wish I can’t turn it off. Infatuation gets creepy pretty quickly, so be careful with this one.
The Grace Period
: Every wish carries with it a grace period. The grace period allows the genie to take the time he needs in order to make the wish come true. So, if it takes me twenty years to grant your wish, you’ll just have to be patient. Note: Building a time limit into the wish is not allowed. If you try to pull something like this with me, you’ll wish you were never born (which I can arrange, FYI).
Conservation of Wealth
: There is a basic law that governs wealth: Any money that is wished-for has to be taken from somewhere else—usually from a bunch of families who are already quite poor or from the economies of developing countries, or both. Genies can’t just print money. Doing that would cause inflation. So, just know that if you wish for money you are screwing a lot of very needy people.
The Karma Clause
: Anything bad that you wish for will be registered with the Karma Commission. The subsequent effects of your wish will be paid back to you by the Commission and usually when you least expect it. So, if you’re thinking about wishing for anything that hurts anyone else, brace yourself. The Karma Commission doesn’t play around.
    If I say “wish” by mistake does it count as my wish?
    This is a good question. The answer is
Yes
. I suggest you don’tuse that word around me unless you really mean it. While my main occupation is genie, one of my hobbies is studying linguistics, and I can tell you that I pay very close attention to words and what they mean. If you say, for example, “I wish I could think of something really good to wish for,” then that is exactly what you will be granted—the ability to think of something really good to wish for. And that will count as your wish. Period. Sorry, but that’s how it works.
     
    Should I rub the lamp?
    Only if you want to piss me off. Please try to remember that I live inside the lamp and I can feel anything that happens to it. The best way to summon me is to send me a note. Your note should include at least three options for meeting times. I’ll review my schedule and then I’ll get back to you when I can. Rubbing the lamp will not make me respond sooner. What it will do is make it hotter inside the lamp and that will make me more irritable, so don’t do that. Also, don’t put the lamp in your bag or leave it in your car. Do not leave it in the