This Is a Book Read Free

bought a brand-new megaphone… the very one you have been hearing me speak through tonight, ladies and gentlemen. When I got that new megaphone I put it up to my mouth and I have never looked back since. Although, I’ve certainly heard back, if you know what I meeeeaaaaaaan!
    Thank you for listening. God bless and good night.

Ideas & Opinions
     
    I DEA: It seems that The best way to kill a magician’s assistant is to cut the assistant in half at the waist (also seems to be a good way to frame a magician for murder).
    T HE Z ERO S UM G AME: I have found that people whose hair is teased do not like brainteasers. By the same token, people who like brainteasers do not have teased hair. It’s clear that the human cranium cannot sustain both.
    Q UESTION: What do you get the man who has everything?
    A NSWER: A conscience. That guy is so greedy.
     
    T HING TO T RY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
    C APITAL P UNISHMENT:
    Terrible way to die: being stoned to death.
    Worse way to die: being pebbled to death.
    Better way to die: being bouldered to death.
    (Much speedier.)
    O BSERVATION: I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
    S TORY I DEA: Idea for a character-based story. Character is a Renaissance man, but just in terms of his personal hygiene standards.
    G ENERAL Q UESTION: How many winos are also foodies?
    W ARNING: Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spiderweb.
    H OTEL C ONUNDRUM: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?
    I NDICATOR: There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.
    M OVIE C ONCEPT: Two words: Dragon Orthodontist.
    D ICTUM: A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is, Mike.
    S YNONYMOUS: Two questions that are essentially the same are “How old do you think I am?” and “Are you ready to feel awkward no matter how you answer this question?”
    F ACT: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
    R EVELATION: I have an extremely low threshold for using the word “threshold.”
    O N S PECIFICITY: Maybe you should not call yourselves “Volunteer Firefighters” but rather “Volunteer
in Advance
Firefighters” based on how rudely you treat someone who was just trying to help. (You’re welcome.)
    T HOUGHT: What is the largest size train set one can own before it becomes just a train? (Note: answer may depend on smallness of friends.)
    C HALLENGE: To wear a visor and appear credible at the same time.
    I DEA: A horror story in which the world is invaded by creatures who are really good at tickling humans. It’s no big deal at first, but then they won’t stop, damn it.
    R EGARDING THE M ARCHING B AND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
    O N THE A RROGANCE OF H UMAN B EINGS: Man exhibits a God complex. For example, consider the leaf blower.

Robot Test
     
    It is the future. Scientists have created robots so advanced that it is nearly impossible to tell them apart from human beings. Some of these robots have become aggressive, arrogat, and even dangerous.
    The following is a test that everyone is required to take so that the government can figure out which people are actually robots.
    Instructions: Please select the correct answer for each question.
    1. My favorite color is:
    (A) Blue.
    (B) Red.
    (C) RGB (144,128,112).
    2. I prefer to take:
    (A) Baths.
    (B) Showers.
    (C) Compressed air blowers.
    3. When I am using a computer, sometimes I feel like:
    (A) I don’t know what I’m doing.
    (B)I should go