The Year of the Crocodile Read Free

mean?”
    â€œIt means,” Dad says, “stop bugging Tina for an invitation. I’ll fix this shit. And when you finally figure it out, remember: I told you so, motherfucker.”
    â€œWhat the hell are you talking about?”
    â€œWould you look at the motherfucking time.” It’s not a question. There’s an amused note in his voice. “Sorry, asshole. I have to go get my goddamned dog waxed.”
    â€œWhat? Dad—”
    He hangs up on me. We don’t have a dog. He doesn’t believe in waxing.
    â€œDad?” I frown at the phone and then hit his number again. The phone rings. This time, for what may be the first time in my life, he doesn’t pick up. He sends me straight to voicemail.
    I look up at the acoustic tile. “Fuck.”
    â€œBlake.” Tina is standing right next to me. “Did you just call your dad and ask him to come down?”
    I turn to her.
    She’s shorter than me, but the way she’s looking at me… I wouldn’t notice. She’s pulled her long, dark hair into a twist over one shoulder. Her arms are folded. She could stare me down like this.
    It’s kind of hot.
    â€œNo,” I say honestly.
    She raises a dubious eyebrow.
    â€œNot technically, ” I amend. “I just asked him to behave.”
    â€œAnd?”
    I wave my hand. “Some bullshit about my being naïve and not everyone liking him. I’m not naïve, am I?”
    Tina meets my eyes. Very slowly, she nods. “You’re a little naïve.”
    I’m not sure what to say to that. I know not everyone likes my dad. I have the Internet; I could hardly miss it. He’s abrasive and difficult, and he doesn’t suffer fools gladly.
    He is also everything I have. These days, he’s my entire family.
    â€œI want you to like my dad,” I say. “I need you to like my dad. What can I do?”
    She exhales and comes to my side. “I do like your dad.” She’s looking down now. “But he’s a blowtorch, always hot, and…” She swallows.
    â€œAnd what?”
    â€œAnd my parents are like a gallon of gas. Blake, they’re not going to get along. We’re going to have to choose. Every holiday we have while we’re together, we’re going to have to decide whether we spend it apart from each other, or spend it with just one of them. If we try and shove them in the same place, everything’s going up in flames.”
    I stare at her. I’m so used to my dad being the problem that I didn’t think about her parents. Shit. My dad was right.
    She shakes her head. “But that’s a problem for another weekend. We’re here now. We’ll have fun. Right?”
    â€œRight,” I say weakly.
    Right. Except…
    I think about what my dad said. He said he was going to fix this shit. I think about all the ways I have seen him “fix” shit throughout my entire life.
    And I finally, finally understand why Tina is biting her lip and looking away. A gallon of gas and a blowtorch. What could possibly go wrong?
    Everything. Every fucking thing.
    â€œGreat,” I say slowly. “Let’s have fun while we still can.”

2
    ADAM
    The next morning
    M y plane landed forty minutes ago. A car was waiting for me at the curb; George, my assistant, had directions to the place I needed to visit programmed into my phone, down to a turn-by-turn description of the store’s interior.
    This is the first time I’ve been in a Wal-Mart in my fucking life.
    Don’t get me wrong. It’s not some misguided anti-corporatist bullshit on my part. That would be a heaping pile of hypocritical shit coming from me, pro-corporate leader extraordinaire.
    The reason is actually really fucking simple: I never went shopping with my mom when I lived at home because yadda yadda something gender roles. By the time I moved Cyclone out of my parents’ garage, I was already a