The Worst Class Trip Ever Read Free Page A

about the guys behind us, who he was convinced were terrorists planning to blow up the plane.
    Finally I came up with a joke: I’d walk by, and I’d say to Suzana, casually, like I just thought of it, “Do you know where the emergency exit is?” And she’d say
something like, “Why are you looking for the emergency exit?” And I’d say, “Because I’m sitting next to Cameron Frank, and I need some fresh air!”
    I’m not saying this was hilarious. I’m saying this was the best I could do under the circumstances. I was going over my lines in my head (“Do you know where the emergency exit
is?”), rehearsing for my big moment. Meanwhile Matt kept sneaking peeks back at the weird two guys behind us and whispering reports to me.
    “They’re looking at something,” he said.
    “So what?” I said.
    “We need to find out what it is,” he said.
    “No we don’t,” I said.
    Anyway, we finally got to the altitude where you can walk around, so I got up and started toward the back of the plane. I noticed out of the side of my eye that the two weird guys behind us
actually
were
looking at something, kind of hunched over it so you couldn’t see what it was. But I was focused on Suzana. I was so focused on Suzana that I didn’t see that the
man in the seat right across the aisle had his leg sticking out.
    What happened next was the kind of horrible embarrassing failure that your brain memorizes every single detail of so it can torture you by playing it in your head over and over and over for the
rest of your life. This is how it went:
    ME
(to Suzana, pretending I am just thinking this up as I pass by)
: Hey, do you know where
th—
WHAM
(sound of me tripping and falling on my face in the aisle)
.
    SUZANA: Ohmigod! Wyatt! Are you okay?
    ME
(getting up, trying to look like nothing happened)
: I’m fine! I’m fine!
    SUZANA: Are you sure?
    ME
(thinking for some moronic reason that I should still do my moronic rehearsed joke)
: I was just
wondering if you knew where the emergency exit was.
    EIGHTY-JILLION-YEAR-OLD FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(coming down the aisle to see why I fell down and not looking happy)
: What’s going on here?
    ME: Nothing. I fell down.
    SUZANA: Why do you need the emergency exit?
    EIGHTY-JILLION-YEAR-OLD FLIGHT ATTENDANT: What about the emergency exit?
    ME: Nothing!
    SUZANA: You just asked me where the emergency exit is.
    ME
(reaching new heights of being a moron)
: I did?
    SUZANA: Yes, you did.
    EIGHTY-JILLION-YEAR-OLD FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(to me)
: Do you not understand that the emergency exits are an
important safety feature of this aircraft, and it’s a very serious matter to tamper with them in any way?
    ME: No.
    EIGHTY-JILLION-YEAR-OLD FLIGHT ATTENDANT: No?
    ME: Yes! I mean, yes, I understand. I wasn’t really…I was just…There’s this kid who farts….
    EIGHTY-JILLION-YEAR-OLD FLIGHT ATTENDANT: What?
    MR. BARTO
(coming down the aisle from his seat)
: Is something wrong?
    EIGHTY-JILLION-YEAR-OLD FLIGHT ATTENDANT: This young man seems to think there’s something amusing about the emergency exits.
    MR. BARTO: Wyatt, do you think there’s something amusing about the emergency exits?
    ME: No. I was—
    EIGHTY-JILLION-YEAR-OLD FLIGHT ATTENDANT: He also said something about farts.
    MR. BARTO: What about farts, Wyatt?
    ME: No! I was only…nothing. Never mind.
    MR. BARTO: Wyatt, I want you to return to your seat
right now
, and if you don’t want to be sent home from this trip, there had
better be no more of this behavior, am I clear?
    ME: Yes.
    I went back to my seat. Behind me I could hear Suzana and her friends giggling. Now I really did wish I could jump out the emergency exit.
    “What was
that
all about?” said Matt.
    “Shut up,” I said.
    “Listen,” he said, not shutting up, “the guys behind us were watching you.”
    “Great.”
    “No,
listen
. While they were watching you, I got a look at what they were looking at.”
    “Good for you.”
    “And get this. They’re