The Ultimate Inferior Beings Read Free

floor; it was starting to get heavy and he needed his arms for
gesticulation. “My father flew spaceships. I design landscapes.”
    “Until now,” put in VOZ.
    jixX stood open-mouthed, his
arms splayed out.
    VOZ continued. “Lift-off will
be at 19.00 Tenalp Trans-Uranic Geocentral Time. Remember, this is a Top Secret
Space Mission, so you must not discuss it with anyone.”
    “Wait. I can’t possibly do
this. I have an important meeting tomorrow.”
    “I’ll write you a sick-note.”
    “I have two unfinished
projects.”
    “Your partner can finish
them.”
    “I... er... I have a fear of
heights.”
    “Then don’t climb anything
high.”
    jixX gave a deep sigh. “Look,
this is clearly a case of mistaken identity.”
    “If you wish, you can raise
the matter personally with the Transcendental Overlord of Tenalp.”
    jixX stepped back at the
mention of the name.
    “Well?”
    “No, it’s okay,” said jixX.
“I’ll leave it.”
    “Very wise,” said VOZ.
    jixX momentarily looked
crestfallen, but a change of mind reinvigorated him. “Actually,” he said,
surprising himself, “let me talk to TOT.”
    “Are you sure?”
    jixX was as far from sure as
it is possible to get. “Yup,” he said, his heart starting to race.
    “Very well.” VOZ fell silent
for about twenty seconds. Then, “Sorry, he’s gone home.”
    jixX looked desperate. “His
second-in-command, then.”
    “Er, gone home, too.”
    “Third?”
    “Home.”
    “I’m detecting a pattern
here.”
    “You’re a smart guy,” said
VOZ.
    “Thanks.”
    “That’s rare on this planet.”
    jixX said nothing.
    “And, being a smart guy, you
will follow the red line on the floor out of the building. It will lead you to
a niobium-cordite moving paveway, which will take you swiftly and conveniently
to your spaceship. That is all, captain. And good luck.”
    “You have the wrong jixX,”
pleaded jixX; but a click, followed by silence, told him that VOZ was no longer
listening.
    A door swished open to his
left. Just outside it, on the floor, was a red line leading off down a brightly
lit corridor. He found himself recalling the advice his father had given him as
a young boy. “Son,” his dad had said as he tucked him into bed one night,
gently ruffling his hair. “Never, ever become a spaceship captain.”
    He squatted down to pick up
the pot containing the dwarf Alberta spruce and, shaking his head repeatedly,
followed the red line out of the room and then out of the building.
    Outside, one of the suns of
Polaris IV was just setting, giving the sky a reddish glow. jixX had reached
the start of the niobium-cordite moving paveway. One mile away, clearly visible
on the horizon, stood the glistening hull of The Night Ripple – an enormous
Class XI phonon-drive spaceship. Much closer to hand was a notice on the
niobium-cordite moving paveway. It said: ‘Out of Order. We apologize for any
inconvenience.’

 

    Chapter 4
     
    6.41 pm, 12 Mar 49 A-PE,
TOT’s home
     
    “ How was work ?” asked Mrs . TOT when the Transcendental
Overlord of Tenalp arrived home that evening.
    “Fine, fine,” muttered TOT
absently as he headed to his favourite armchair in front of the 3DV. He sat
down and looked at his wife. “Actually, things are looking very good,” he said
with a small smile of satisfaction. The latest news from the TCCC was that the
Ministry boys had managed to rustle up a captain and crew for The Night Ripple
in record time. It had always proved a bit of a problem in the past,
particularly for a mission as dangerous as this. The fact that they had done it
at all, let alone in record time, was pretty impressive. He decided to transmit
a message of congratulation to them before he forgot.
    “That’s good,” said Mrs . TOT, although there was clearly something on her mind.
    TOT switched on the 3DV with
the remote control. Then he uncoiled a length of flex from his chest and
plugged himself into the wall socket.
    Mrs . TOT eyed these
actions