The Time of My Life Read Free

the public for news content.”
    As I wondered who Cleaver might be, a mustachioed figure in a brown leisure suit sprang from be hind a big column, much as the premier danseur flies onto the stage during the second scene in Swan Lake . “Any questions?” he asked. He seemed to be experiencing the same olfactory unhappiness as the man on the leaflet. He wore a lapel tag declaring, “Hello! My name is H. Cleaver for president.”
    â€œYou’re Cleaver,” I said.
    â€œYes, I am,” he sniffed.
    â€œDo you always leap out like that?” I asked.
    â€œYes. And I’ve been interviewed three times already. Once by NBC.”
    â€œHow long have you been in the race?”
    â€œI started last March,” he said. “I took a look at the other guys and decided I was as qualified as they are. I’ve been in business. I know how to fire people.”
    I opened my note pad.
    Q. Fire people?
    A. Yes. If Nixon had fired Haldeman and Ehrlichman and that bunch, he would have been all right. And if he had turned over the tapes. Those were the only two things wrong with him. But I can do that. I can fire people. I’ve been in business.
    Q. What business are you in?
    A. At the present, I’m unemployed.
    Q. What did you do when you were employed?
    A. The security business.
    Q. Security?
    A. Yes. I was a security guard for Montgomery Ward.
    Q. Have you campaigned much?
    A. In all fifty states.
    Q. No kidding?
    A. By mail.
    Q. Where are you from?
    A. About twenty-two miles south of Albany, New York.
    Q. But where?
    A. I just told you. Twenty-two miles south of Albany.
    Q. What’s the name of your town?
    A. The town of Kinderhook. As opposed to Kinderhook County. It’s not a town, actually. It’s an un incorporated village. On Route Nine.
    Q. Mr. Cleaver, besides your business experience, what qualifications do you have to be president?
    A. I’m glad you asked me that. I took a twenty-two-day tour of Russia last summer. And I’ve answered some international questions, like how to defend Austria from the Soviet Union.
    Q. How would you do that?
    A. Blow up the hydroelectric plants. If you take away what the Russians want, they don’t have any reason to invade Austria, right?
    Q. Who asked you about this?
    A. A friend of my wife. I don’t remember her name.
    Q. Do you think you have a chance at the nomination?
    A. Sure. The convention is going to be deadlocked, and I don’t see any reason why they shouldn’t turn to me. Do you?
    Q. If they turned to you, who would you choose as your running mate?
    A. I have several under consideration. Right now, I’m leaning toward Tower.
    Q. Senator John Tower of Texas?
    A. Right.
    Q. Why?
    A. Well, I think New York and Texas would give a nice balance to the ticket, don’t you?
    Before I could answer, Mr. Cleaver leaped into the elevator and was gone.
    August, 1976

King Dolph and the Eagles
    N OW IT CAME TO PASS in those days that certain shepherds and goatherds in the hills and deserts of the Kingdom of Texas did go out unto their pastures and cast their eyes upon certain lambs and kids laid waste, yea, torn asunder by beasts of the wilderness.
    And they were sore vexed and lifted their eyes unto the heavens in despair. And behold, the sun glittered on the wings of an eagle.
    The men rent their garments and poured ashes upon their heads and made their way unto Austin, even unto the palace of the good King Dolph (or perchance to the other palace at Uvalde) and made a piteous plea unto him.
    â€œO good king!” they cried. “Our lambs and kids are laid waste upon the fields! Yet the golden eagle, from which we profiteth not a shekel, circleth above with the sun glinting upon his wings! Dost thou not perceive the connection?”
    Now King Dolph was a keeper of herds himself and knew truly well from which beasts a herdsman doth profit and from which he profiteth not. Wise ruler that he was, he also