The Postmortal Read Free Page B

lying.”
    “You fell dead silent when that report came on just now. Don’t try to hide it. I have excellent cure-dar.”
    “Cure-dar?”
    “Uh-huh. Remember when I said Jesse Padgett had it done? She totally did. You could tell because she’d clam right up whenever the subject was mentioned. Just like you did there. You should look in the mirror. Your face is so red right now. You look like a giant tomato.”
    “Aw, Jesus.”
    “You did it! You did it! You did it! I can’t believe this. You slippery bastard!”
    She got the confession in record time and beamed in delight at the accomplishment. Her eyes bugged and she smiled proudly. She has a snaggletooth and loves to flaunt it as a distinguishing feature.
    “Don’t go broadcasting this all over the place, all right?”
    “Oh, I won’t tell anyone,” she said. “I promise you that. But you’re gonna tell me everything.”
    “They haven’t even finished yet.”
    “They haven’t finished? What do they do to you? Tell me, tell me, tell me. I heard you get sixty shots, all in the armpit.”
    “No. They just took my blood, and then a week from now they give me three shots. That’s it.”
    “That’s it? Holy underwear. What did it cost?”
    “Seven thousand bucks.”
    “Seven grand?”
    “Shh!”
    “That’s nothing! That’s less than nothing! I once expensed a tab at Lusardi’s that was bigger than that! You have to tell me how to do it.”
    “I can’t.”
    “Oh, bullshit.”
    “This doctor will only take direct referrals from a small circle of people he knows, and one of them happens to be a guy I know. No extra degrees of separation beyond that. It’s like a drug dealer, I swear.”
    “So just give me your guy’s name and I’ll say I know him.”
    “I can’t.”
    “Oh, please. Who made you guardian of the fountain? What—is this like your little boys’ club? Do you all go get the cure and then take a naked swim together? Is that it?”
    “I just don’t want to get anyone in trouble. They asked me not to refer anyone.”
    “This is so unfair. Who’s the guy you know? Is it Schilling? I bet it’s Schilling.”
    “No . . .”
    Another crooked, triumphant grin. “It is! This is amazing. I don’t even need a polygraph. All I have to do is ask you a question and wait for your head to blow up.”
    “Regardless, you still need the address and phone number.”
    “Well, why hold it back? Honestly. Give me one good reason, apart from your little pinky swear not to, why I don’t deserve the information and you do. I’ve never known you to be timid about anything. But I ask you about this and you turn into a mute. Come on. Don’t be so annoying. It’s not like people won’t find out at some point that you’ve had it done. In fact, judging by how quickly I found out, the whole city should know by morning.”
    “Okay. Fine. I will give you all the information. After I’ve gotten the final shots a week from now. And you have to pay the cable bill for six months.”
    “What?”
    “Referral fee,” I said. “It’s only fair.”
    “You’re such a goddamn lawyer.”
    “Those are the terms. We have a deal?”
    “We do. I can’t believe you found it. Oh, I love you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Yes! You know, I’ve been trying to find a curist for months now. I am so relieved. This is gonna be incredible. Except . . . You’re sure this guy’s legit, right?”
    “Yes.”
    “Because you know about all the bogus ones out there, right? How do you know this guy isn’t gonna inject you with Cascade? Remember the lady in Queens who had that done to her last week?”
    “I’m certain it won’t be Cascade. For one thing, this doctor has no dishes to wash.”
    “Okay, then I’ll wait until you get your shots. And if you don’t drop dead on the spot, I’m definitely calling him. I am so excited! I’m gonna be twenty-seven forever! And I don’t have to go to São Paulo to do it!”
    She sprung up and rushed to the