The Nightmares of Carlos Fuentes Read Free Page B

the book .
    CARLOS: Oy!
    LYDIA: You can’t sit the citizenship test for another four years.
    CARLOS: Four years? But I am ready now! Ask me question. I will show. I am Britishman best as you.
    LYDIA: Carlos?
    CARLOS: Yes.
    LYDIA: This is a dirty weekend, yes?
    CARLOS: Yes.
    LYDIA: I paid good money for this hotel room, yes?
    CARLOS: Yes.
    LYDIA: So get in the fucking bed.
    CARLOS: But darling, I want to make progress.
    LYDIA: Bed.
    Pause .
    CARLOS tries to grab the book. LYDIA pulls it away .
    CARLOS: Hah! Sssh! Lydia! You promise you help me. How can I be Britishman if I do not pass test?
    Pause .
    LYDIA: OK. Five minutes. That’s it. (Reading from the book.) An inspirational leader to the British people during the Second World War?
    CARLOS: Winston Church-hill.
    LYDIA: Correct. Name the British queen who fought against the Romans.
    CARLOS: (Uncertain.) Bod-ica?
    LYDIA: Boudica. Or Boudicea. But correct. (Reading.) Who is the eleventh-century English king who…
    CARLOS: I know this. I know this. (Beat.) King Cunt.
    LYDIA: Can-oot. King Canute. Cunt means…something else.
    CARLOS: Oh. I see. What is next? Come. Test me.
    LYDIA: Feeling confident are we?
    CARLOS: Maybe.
    LYDIA: You’ve clearly been doing your homework. How about we make it more interesting? How about for every question you get wrong, you have to remove an item of clothing.
    CARLOS: But I’m not wearing anything under this dressing gown.
    LYDIA: Well, you better not get any wrong then.
    LYDIA smiles. CARLOS smiles. She looks at the book .
    LYDIA: Let’s see. When was the Magna Carta?
    CARLOS: 1215.
    LYDIA: When was the Battle of Agincourt?
    CARLOS: 1415.
    LYDIA: Who was the English king who defeated the French?
    CARLOS: Henry Vee?
    LYDIA: Fifth. It’s Henry the Fifth.
    CARLOS: Oh. Come Lydia. This is too easy. Ask me something only a British would know.
    LYDIA: You are feeling confident. OK. (Flicking through the book.) Henry the Eighth. That’s Henry with a V and three ones. Who are his six wives?
    CARLOS: All of them?
    LYDIA: Yes.
    CARLOS: They do not ask this on the test.
    LYDIA: Well, I’m asking you. Don’t you know?
    Beat .
    CARLOS: Catherine Aragon.
    LYDIA: Correct.
    CARLOS: Anne Bol-een.
    LYDIA: Boleyn.
    CARLOS: Catherine Aragon. Anne Boleyn. Jane Seymours?
    LYDIA: Three down.
    CARLOS: Anne…Anne Cleeves?
    LYDIA: Very good. Two more to go.
    CARLOS: Catherine… (Beat.) Howard!
    LYDIA: Last one.
    CARLOS: It is another Catherine.
    LYDIA: Yes. But who?
    CARLOS: Um…
    LYDIA: Don’t know?
    CARLOS: No. I know.
    Beat .
    LYDIA: Take it off.
    CARLOS: I know this.
    LYDIA: Take it off Carlos.
    CARLOS: Wait. Wait… (Beat.) OK. I will take it off.
    LYDIA smiles .
    CARLOS puts his hand on his dressing gown cord to undo it. He comes in close to LYDIA .
    CARLOS: Parr. Catherine Parr. Is Henry the Eighth’s six wife.
    LYDIA: You bastard.
    They laugh. They kiss. LYDIA takes the bottle of champagne from the ice bucket and takes a swig. She comes over and hands it to CARLOS . He takes the bottle from her and tries to pull her close, but she coquettishly pulls away and walks over to the opposite side of the stage .
    They look at each other .
    CARLOS takes a swig from the bottle without breaking eye contact with LYDIA .
    CARLOS: Darling?
    LYDIA: Yes.
    CARLOS: This is dirty weekend yes?
    LYDIA: Bit clean so far if you ask me.
    CARLOS: Yes. What if we do something different ?
    LYDIA: How do you mean?
    CARLOS: What if. (Beat.) I was boss?
    CARLOS picks up the handcuffs and a blindfold and dangles them in front of LYDIA .
    LYDIA: Something different ?
    CARLOS: What do you think?
    Beat .
    LYDIA: Why not?
    LYDIA moves over to the bed .
    LYDIA: How do you want me?
    CARLOS: On your knees. Please.
    CARLOS starts handcuffing her .
    LYDIA: Ow!
    CARLOS: Sorry. It is too tight?
    LYDIA: No. It’s my knee. Could you pass me a pillow please?
    CARLOS places a pillow under LYDIA ’s right knee. He picks up the blindfold and goes to put it on her .
    LYDIA: What do you want me