The New York City Bartender's Joke Book Read Free Page B

any duck food, never did have any duck food, and I’mnot going to get any duck food, ever! Now beat it, scram, get outta here, and don’t ever come back!”
    The next week the duck walks back into the same bar and says to the bartender, “Hey, you got any nails?”
    “No,” says the bartender, “I don’t got any nails.”
    The duck says, “You got any duck food?”

    How do you say hello to a duck?
    “Hello, duck
!
”

    Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the Vatican. After a while, one nun says, “Hey, I never came this way before.”
    The other nun says, “Yeah, I know. It’s the cobblestones!”

    Three nuns are sitting on a bench in Central Park, New York City. All of a sudden, a man wearing a trench coat flashes all
three of them!
    The first nun had a stroke! The second nun had a stroke!
    The third nun couldn’t reach!

    A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a martini. He downs the martini, opens his suit coat, and looks in the pocket.
He orders another martini, finishes it, and looks in his pocket again. He orders another, downs it, and looks in his pocket
a third time.
    The bartender has been watching the guy and his curiosity gets the best of him. He asks, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket
after each drink?”
    The guy says, “I have a picture of my wife, and when she looks good I go home.”

    How are martinis like a woman’s breasts?
    One is not enough and three are too many.

    An old man walks into a pizza parlor and tells the kid behind the counter, “I’d like a prune pizza.”
    The kid says, “What?”
    “Prunes,” the old man says. “Do you have any prunes?”
    The kid says, “Yeah, we have prunes.”
    “Then,” says the old man, “give me a prune pizza!”
    The kid says, “Do you want that to go?”
    The old man scowls and says, “Why else would I want it?!”

    Did you hear about the guy who took Viagra,
    but it got stuck in his throat?
    He had a stiff neck all night.

    A middle-aged couple get married and are in the honeymoon suite when the bride takes off her clothes and says to her new husband,
“Honey, I have to warn you. I have acute angina.”
    The husband looks at her and says, “Your tits aren’t bad either!”

    What’s the difference between ignorance
    and indifference?
    I don’t know and I don’t care!

    A drunk tries to enter a bar, but the doorman stops him and says, very politely, “I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t come in without
a tie.”
    He staggers back to his car and fumbles through the glove compartment. He finds thread, string, and duct tape. No tie. So he
lurches back to the trunk of the car and pulls out the jumper cables. He puts the cables around his neck and ties a nice Windsor
knot. He walks back to the bar and right up to the doorman.
    The doorman looks at him and the jumper cables around his neck and says, “All right, you can come in, but don’t start anything!”

    What’s the difference between a drunk and
    an alcoholic?
    We don’t have to go to those dopey meetings!

    A drunk walks into a bar. He receives five stitches.

Mrs. O’Reilly comes home from the doctor’s office and tells her husband, “Paddy, the doctor says that I’m pregnant.”
    Paddy says, “That can’t be! We’ve been very careful!”
    She says, “I know, Paddy, but to be sure, he wants me to come back tomorrow with a sample.”
    “Well,” says Paddy, “what’s a sample?”
    “I don’t know what a sample is,” she says. “I didn’t want the doctor to think I was dumb, so I didn’t ask him.”
    Paddy says, “Go ask Mrs. O’Brian what a sample is, she has twelve kids, she might know.”
    So Mrs. O’Reilly goes down the street to Mrs. O’Brian’s house. A half hour later she comes back with a black eye, missing teeth,
and her clothes torn and ripped. Paddy sees her and says, “What the hell happened?”
    “Well, Paddy,” she says. “I went to Mrs. O’Brian’s house like you said and I asked her what a sample was