The New Topping Book Read Free

bottom’s armor.
    All these definitions convey good information, but none of them seems to us adequate or comprehensive.
    One thing we do know is that BDSM play is completely and qualitatively different from abuse. What we do bears the same relationship to abuse that consensual sex does to rape: a photograph of lovemaking might look exactly like a photo of a rape, but what is going on in the hearts and minds of the participants is entirely different. Hence, we say:
In S/M, the participants have one another’s wellbeing as their paramount goal.
    Some folks get confused because the fantasies they use to get turned on are not about consensual play. (Ours certainly aren’t!) If you feel disturbed by this seeming contradiction, let us remind you: everyone in your fantasy exists only inside your head. Since they are all aspects of yourself, they have all given their consent to be there. One of the characteristics that defines safe play is a recognition of the boundaries between our fantasies and our realities. A lot of this book will be devoted to helping clarify those boundaries.
    In general, though, we’d say that if it feels like S/M to you, then it’s probably S/M – or at least something close enough that you can learn more about it by reading on.
    H OW D O Y OU K NOW YOU’RE A T OP ?
     
    Many tops remember having toppy fantasies for as long as they can remember anything. It’s not uncommon for a top to remember talking neighborhood kids into playing cops-and-robbers with lots of bondage, or teacher-and-student with lots of spanking. On the other hand, some people have their first top fantasies at puberty and some during young adulthood. Some excellent tops don’t remember ever having had a top fantasy until a partner talked them into trying a light scene – and a whole new world opened up to them.
    These fantasies may have caused the top lots of pain and worry. One top of our acquaintance recalls having his first bondage fantasy in the late ’60s, shortly after the Tate/LaBianca murders – and spending anxious months worrying that he was turning into a mass murderer.
    Janet remembers:
I can remember having top fantasies since very early childhood, but I was well into my twenties before I recognized that these diverting thoughts – which were obsessing me to the point of making it difficult for me to function in the real world – were actually sexual in nature. And once I figured that out, it took me even longer to grasp that these marvelous, dirty, nonconsensual stories didn’t have to stay fantasies, that there were people out there who would be interested in acting them out consensually with me.
    So the easiest way to know if you’re a top is to take a hard look at your fantasies. Being a dominant person in real life doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a top – many people who are hard-driving type As prefer to bottom. Nor does being a bit quiet and withdrawn in real life mean that you’ll turn into Attila the Hun in scene.
    On the other hand, if the idea of giving direction, taking control, inflicting strong sensation sends you into a panic, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not a top. Even the most experienced tops suffer from what performers call “flop sweat.” The question is: while you’re jittering at the very thought of topping, is your dick getting hard or your pussy getting wet?
    If you’ve occasionally dreamed of somehow rendering your partner completely helpless so that you can wreak your wicked will on her… if you find yourself looking speculatively at the belt rack in the department store, and you’re not thinking about holding your pants up…. or if the thought of someone kneeling naked at your feet as he serves you a nice cup of tea sounds like it might be, well, your cup of tea… guess what. You may already be a top.
    D OES T HERE A LWAYS H AVE T O B E A T OP AND A B OTTOM ? Well, no. Some people like to play scenes in which both (or all) players are receiving sensation: