The New Death and others Read Free Page A

I say five? In truth there were but four. For the
fifth member of their party was not the young man he appeared to
be. He was not a man at all; indeed, not even a living creature,
but one of the walking dead! Dear friends, there is a twist in the
tale. This is no story. Many years have I walked in the guise of
mortal man. Many thirsty years. Now, at last, I shall feed!" Rob
opened his mouth, now filled with long, wolf-like fangs, and howled
with inhuman laughter.
    There was a long silence.
    "Wow. This is awkward, Rob," said Jenny at
last. "I'm actually a vampire as well. But I guess we can split two
ways?"
    "Three ways," said Mark.
    "Oh, no way you're both vampires too,"
Rob said angrily.
    "No, no. I'm a demon. I was hoping to tempt
you into sin and damn your souls. Well, Tim and Alice's souls
now."
    A pair of bat-like wings, huge and leathery,
sprouted from Alice's back.
    "Sorry. Succubus."
    Tim raised his hand.
    "I'm the coagulated rage of the murdered
children whose bodies lie beneath us. I regenerate, so I guess you
guys could eat a bit of me, but I'm kind of sour..." He trailed off
as the others shook their heads. Mark warmed his hands at the
campfire. Everywhere is too cold when you come from Hell.
    "Man, what are the odds?" Rob asked no one in
particular. "I mean, you assume everyone else is a real human, am I
right?"
    "I guess so," Tim replied. "I actually
stalked these four college kids last month? Turned out they were
the ghosts of some college kids I killed years ago. Pretty
embarrassing."
    "You don't..." Alice began, then trailed
off.
    "What?" Mark asked.
    "Well, you don't think that they're all
gone?"
    "Who?"
    "Humans. Mortals. They haven't...I don't
know, died out?"
    "What, so...so everyone's really a vampire or
a demon or something?"
    "Well, yeah."
    "No. No, no way. I mean, we'd know. You could
tell."
    "You know," Mark said thoughtfully, "people
don't seem to be into forbidden magic any more. It's been so long
since anyone tried to sell me their soul. It was...actually I think
it was in the 20th century some time. Gee, that long. But no, no
way they could all be gone." He turned to the two vampires. "I mean
you guys get hunted all the time don't you?"
    "Oh, for sure," Jenny nodded. "I'm always
thinking people are following me or about to throw holy water or
whatever. There was this old guy, Obadiah something. Wow, he just
didn't give up. Followed me pretty much the whole Civil War."
    No one replied. The only sounds were the
insects and the fire. At last Alice broke the silence.
    "Hey, if this was a TV show? The vampire
hunters would leap out at us about now, and they'd be all like 'we
didn't die, we just got real careful' or 'we're over here' or
something."
    But no human sprang upon them. None at
all.
     
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    If My Life Was Filmed
     
    If my life was filmed, it would
    go straight to DVD
    and someone who was famous once
    would have the role of me
    and if five stars meant 'excellent'
    you'd give it two or three
    and most of those who rented it
    would watch ironically.
     
    Years later they would track me down
    and do an interview.
    They'd say "I heard you died," and I'd
    say "Yeah, I heard that too."
    "Is any of it fictional?"
    "Perhaps a scene or two.
    There weren't as many ninjas, but
    the rest is mostly true."
     
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    A Date With Destiny
     
    Once upon a time there was a man who had a
date with Destiny. He dressed in his best clothes, made sure to put
on deodorant and aftershave, and masturbated beforehand, so that he
would not be led into error by lust. At the appointed time and
place he presented himself, flowers in hand.
    Alas, he had never met her in person, but had
arranged the date through meetallegoricalfigures.com. And username
hotdestinyfate69 was not Destiny at all, but Ambition, who had used
Destiny's photo to get more messages. She meant to explain this
before meeting him, but always decided to do it later.
    So Ambition turned up,