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looked at Binny as if to emphasize the next
words, “and keeping the peace,” Jay placed the serving bowl filled
with steaming vegetables on the table, “your responsibility is to
eat your vegetables.”
“ I’m thirsty!” Cassie
blurted through a mouthful of cauliflower. Her lips glistened with
melted butter, and little white bits of cauliflower flew
indiscriminately from her mouth. At that moment, Zach poured the
last of the apple juice into his glass. He looked at his thirsty
baby sister and gave her a half shrug and smile.
Cassie was about to about to explode
at Zach with a hail of cauliflower confetti when Jay interceded,
“We have more juice in the basement! If you can manage to chew your
food with your mouth closed, I’ll go down and get some.”
“ Hey Binny,” Zach offered
at the exact moment his father disappeared down the stairs to the
basement.
“ What?” she responded,
pre-annoyed, knowing that whatever was coming next would be
unpleasant.
“ You’re a dumbass. And I
can prove it scientifically.”
“ I can prove that you
smell terrible.”
“ No seriously. I’ve been
working on some dumbass detection equipment. It lights up whenever
there’s a dumbass in the vicinity. And when you walk by it lights
up like a Christmas tree.”
Binny thought for a second, “you’re
too stupid to invent anything. Shut up.”
“ Look, I’ve even tested
the equipment on a group of dumbasses and a group of non-dumbasses.
You always have to have a control group so that you know the
machine isn’t getting false positives,” Zach explained
condescendingly. It was right one hundred percent of the time. So
you see, I have incontrovertible proof that you are, in fact, a
dumbass.”
Binny found Zach’s smile insufferable.
“I HATE YOU!!!” Binny screamed just as Jay rounded the corner
holding a big unopened jug of apple juice. “Binny, stop yelling,”
Jay snapped. “I cannot take this fighting.”
“ The machine never lies,”
Zach whispered to Binny with a look of sympathy on his face so FAKE
Binny thought her head might actually explode, spreading bits of
brain and bone and frustration all over the kitchen
walls.
“ He is being a total and
complete jerk! I hate him. I hate him. My head is going to explode
from how much I hate him! Binny screeched.”
“ The machine… never…
lies…,” Zach repeated, his head slowly shaking back and forth with
false pity.
“ You’re the one screaming,
Binny, and MY head is about to explode from that. Enough! The
grilled cheese is ready. Did you guys finish your vegetables?” Jay
asked no one in particular as he brought the sandwiches to the
table. Cassie immediately insisted, “me first, me first, me first.”
She grabbed a sandwich off the plate not waiting for Jay to give it
to her.
“ She ALWAYS just takes
whatever she wants,” Binny complained.
“ Binny, I meant what I
said. Enough.” her father warned.
“ She took my
mirror.”
“ To be clear, Binny
Jordan, it’s not your mirror. It’s a mirror I gave to your mother that you have
made your own.”
“ Did you finish your
homework yet?” Jay asked Zach as he distributed the rest of the
sandwiches. Through a mouthful of toasted bread and melted cheese,
Zach responded with a muffled grunt that sounded somewhat
affirmative. Jay took it as a yes, and said, again to no one in
particular, “I still honestly don’t understand how you get it done.
You don’t appear to spend all that much time on it.” The kids
ignored their father’s comment and wolfed down their
dinner.
“ Where’s mom?” Cassie
asked. Before Jay could answer Zach and Binny responded in unison
“at work” accompanied by some pretty significant eye rolling.
Cassie added mopily, “she’s always at work.”
Jay frowned, distracted for a moment
by the comment, and wearily sat down in an empty seat. That subject
apparently was closed for the moment. The eating continued in
silence. Briefly.
“ Dad.”
“ Yes,
Douglas Adams, Mark Carwardine
Rodger Moffet, Amanda Moffet, Donald Cuthill, Tom Moss