The Love Machine & Other Contraptions Read Free Page A

defense. “Is the defendant ready to have his say before this court?”
    “Your Honor,” the defendant said, and stood up. “If you don’t release me right now, I swear I’m going to stand here and say you’re a...”
    The court’s security guard shot to his feet. “The accused is a stinking dog!” he roared. And so it was.
    “Thank you,” the judge said. “The council of defense is asked to properly muzzle its clients in the future.”
    Woof! Grrrrr!
    ~
    “I’m a millionaire!” Pop.
    ~
    “I want all the stinking Ashkenazim to die!” roared Ya’akov.
    Nothing happened. The neighbor from upstairs—an Ashkenazi—continued to play the piano as if the word of God or man meant nothing to him, and the hour wasn’t between two and four in the afternoon.
    “That stinking Ashkenazi,” muttered Ya’akov, and suddenly his nostrils were assailed by a terrible, nauseating smell. He understood immediately. He stood, smiled the best of his smiles and said, quietly and confidently, “all the stinking Ashkenazim are dead!”
    The piano fell silent at once, but Ya’akov will no longer enjoy the silence between two and four. He forgot that he had a Polish grandmother.
    ~
    “Men are such animals, I tell you...”
    “Look what you did! You’re an idiot!”
    “Huh...?”
    “Look! You turned them into animals! What are you, crazy?”
    “Oooo! Animals! Funny animals!”
    “What?”
    “Animals! Woof woof!”
    “Ah. Fine, you’re not an idiot. You’re all right. And, uh... you owe me a thousand shekels.”
    ~
    “I’m a millionaire!” Pop.
    ~
    “... and men are not animals. They’re wonderful, considerate human beings. And I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.”
    “What... what happened? Where am I?”
    “Don’t worry. You’re beautiful and calm and you trust me implicitly. Now, about those thousand shekels...”
    ~
    “I’m a millionaire!” Pop.
    ~
    “...the headlines: this is the third day since the death of all the Arabs, and the government has still not found a suitable solution to the removal of the bodies, due to opposition from the religious parties. A discussion on the subject is currently taking place in the Knesset Committee for Security and External Affairs.
    “The extreme Right’s demonstration is about to conclude its twenty-third day, and today, for the first time, a speech was delivered by Rabbi Meir Kahane, who has returned from the dead—due, it seems, to the name of the movement he had left behind him. A spokesman for Kahane Alive , however, was not available for comment.
    “The Knesset’s Finance Committee announces that, as of today, no one is a millionaire except those who were millionaires before the start of current events, and that furthermore no one will from now on be able to say to himself that he is a millionaire.”
    ~
    “I’m very rich!” Pop .
    ~
    “I’m the most beautiful woman in the world! And I’m sixteen!” Pop .
    ~
    “Republicans for Government!”—“Labour for Government!”—“Torah for Government!”—“Communists for Government!”—“Torah for Government!”...
    ~
    “... in other news, the giant eye that appeared in the sky above Jordan and looked towards Jerusalem disappeared after the security forces became involved, and the government has now decreed that citizens will refrain from singing the national anthem, in particular the phrase referencing the ‘Eye on Zion’... .
    ... The weather today will be calm and pleasant, with mild temperatures and low humidity, and we will be repeating this ceaselessly for the next several days, so there is no point in you trying to change it.”
    ~
    “Jews for Government!”—“Arabs for Government!”—“Ashkenazim for Government!”—“Mizrachim for Government!”...
    ~
    “There is world peace! Forever! And no one can say anything to change it!”
    Pop.
    ~
    “Kibbutzim for Government!”—“Workers for Government!”—“Taxi drivers for Government!”—“The Pensioners’ Union