The Inspector-General Read Free Page A

the
page.)
—and to let you know"—Ah, that's it—"I hasten to let you know,
among other things, that an official has arrived here with instructions
to inspect the whole government, and your district especially.
(Raises
his finger significantly.)
I have learned of his being here from highly
trustworthy sources, though he pretends to be a private person. So, as
you have your little peccadilloes, you know, like everybody else—you
are a sensible man, and you don't let the good things that come your
way slip by—"
(Stopping)
H'm, that's his junk—"I advise you to take
precautions, as he may arrive any hour, if he hasn't already, and is not
staying somewhere incognito.—Yesterday—" The rest are family matters.
"Sister Anna Krillovna is here visiting us with her husband. Ivan
Krillovich has grown very fat and is always playing the fiddle"—et
cetera, et cetera. So there you have the situation we are confronted
with, gentlemen.
    AMMOS. An extraordinary situation, most extraordinary! Something behind
it, I am sure.
    LUKA. But why, Anton Antonovich? What for? Why should we have an
Inspector?
    GOVERNOR. It's fate, I suppose.
(Sighs.)
Till now, thank goodness, they
have been nosing about in other towns. Now our turn has come.
    AMMOS. My opinion is, Anton Antonovich, that the cause is a deep one
and rather political in character. It means this, that Russia—yes—that
Russia intends to go to war, and the Government has secretly
commissioned an official to find out if there is any treasonable
activity anywhere.
    GOVERNOR. The wise man has hit on the very thing. Treason in this little
country town! As if it were on the frontier! Why, you might gallop three
years away from here and reach nowhere.
    AMMOS. No, you don't catch on—you don't—The Government is shrewd. It
makes no difference that our town is so remote. The Government is on the
look-out all the same—
    GOVERNOR
(cutting him short)
. On the look-out, or not on the look-out,
anyhow, gentlemen, I have given you warning. I have made some
arrangements for myself, and I advise you to do the same. You
especially, Artemy Filippovich. This official, no doubt, will want first
of all to inspect your department. So you had better see to it that
everything is in order, that the night-caps are clean, and the patients
don't go about as they usually do, looking as grimy as blacksmiths.
    ARTEMY. Oh, that's a small matter. We can get night-caps easily enough.
    GOVERNOR. And over each bed you might hang up a placard stating in Latin
or some other language—that's your end of it, Christian Ivanovich—the
name of the disease, when the patient fell ill, the day of the week
and the month. And I don't like your invalids to be smoking such strong
tobacco. It makes you sneeze when you come in. It would be better, too,
if there weren't so many of them. If there are a large number, it
will instantly be ascribed to bad supervision or incompetent medical
treatment.
    ARTEMY. Oh, as to treatment, Christian Ivanovich and I have worked out
our own system. Our rule is: the nearer to nature the better. We use
no expensive medicines. A man is a simple affair. If he dies, he'd die
anyway. If he gets well, he'd get well anyway. Besides, the doctor would
have a hard time making the patients understand him. He doesn't know a
word of Russian.
    The Doctor gives forth a sound intermediate between M and A.
    GOVERNOR. And you, Ammos Fiodorovich, had better look to the courthouse.
The attendants have turned the entrance hall where the petitioners
usually wait into a poultry yard, and the geese and goslings go poking
their beaks between people's legs. Of course, setting up housekeeping is
commendable, and there is no reason why a porter shouldn't do it. Only,
you see, the courthouse is not exactly the place for it. I had meant to
tell you so before, but somehow it escaped my memory.
    AMMOS. Well, I'll have them all taken into the kitchen to-day. Will you
come and dine with me?
    GOVERNOR. Then, too, it isn't