The Hidden Blade Read Free Page B

dreaming their own dreams.”
    “Still, we shouldn’t,” said Father, his voice anguished. “I made a solemn vow that I would never endanger your soul with our friendship.”
    Passages in the Bible that hadn’t made particular sense before now leaped out at Leighton, heavy words avowing eternal damnation to men who consorted with other men. His fingers shook; he clamped them between his knees.
    “You assume that my soul isn’t already damned,” said Herb. “And don’t insult me.
Friendship?
I love you, Nigel, and you love me. But I can only go on for so long waiting for you to come to your senses.”
    “Herb, please don’t say things like that.”
    “What am I supposed to say, Nigel? It’s been years.
Years
. Maybe you are meant for platonic love, but I am not. If you fear your brother more than you love me, let me know and I—I—” Herb exhaled, a heavy sound that reverberated in the silence of the night. “Then I shan’t come around to bother you anymore.”
    Leighton dropped onto his knees, his hands braced against the carpet. Still he felt dizzy, as if he had spun around for a solid five minutes and then come to an abrupt stop. They were not friends, Herb and Father. At least, not just friends, but men who desired to be more to each other—Father wanting it no less than Herb, only that he did not dare.
    This was why it had grown tense, Father wishing things would continue as before, and Herb no longer content with that arrangement.
    “It is not my brother I fear,” Father pleaded, “but God.”
    The desperation in his words made Leighton’s throat close. He did not know everything about the facts of life, but he knew enough to understand that in such matters there could be no compromise. Either Father must hold completely to his position, or he must abandon it just as completely.
    “Listen to yourself, Nigel.” Herb sounded as if he were holding back tears. “You don’t fear God. If you did, would you allow your wife to visit her lover with your blessing? You would be on your knees begging her to think of her eternal soul. But not only do you let her go, you let her take Marland to see his natural father.”
    Leighton clamped a hand over his heart. Marland wasn’t Father’s son?
    Father’s reply was barely audible. “It’s only fair, since I can’t be the husband Anne deserves.”
    “But you can be everything to me, Nigel. We can make this arrangement work for all of us.”
    “I can’t. If Curtis found out, he would make it unbearable for everyone involved—you, me, Anne,
and
the boys. He would put me into an institution and take our children away from Anne. He would punish you too, Herb, in ways I dare not even imagine.”
    “Why do you let him? You are not financially or legally dependent on him. You are your own man.”
    “I am not.” Father’s voice quavered, close to cracking. “Before Curtis I will always be a coward. He is the monster of my nightmares, the wrath of an unforgiving God. He is…he is what I deserve for being who I am.”
    Leighton had never liked Sir Curtis, but for the first time he became afraid of the man. Father’s fear was as heavy as a London fog, seeping into Leighton’s pores, making him shiver.
    There came a long silence. “I am the same as you are,” Herb said, his tone oddly flat. “Do you mean to tell me then that I may never expect any measure of happiness in this life?”
    “That wasn’t what I meant at all, Herb. There is nothing I wish more fervently for than your happiness.”
    “But you won’t lift a finger for it. You want me to exist in a state of desperate chastity so that you may have your cake and your eternal soul too.”
    “Herb—”
    “Please say no more,” said Herb. He took several deep breaths. “I’m sorry for being so overwrought. I’m sorry for asking more. You told me from the very beginning that this was how it would be; it was my fault for thinking I could change you.
    “I can’t live like this, but I’m