The Heinie Prize Read Free Page A

This was a tough job, even for Bernie B.
    And it was even tougher because Sherman Oaks wanted the Heinie Prize so badly. I knew that Sherman was the only other kid who had a chance.
    The next morning, I ran into Mrs. Heinie downstairs in the Rotten House Commons Room. She was holding a bouquet of purple flowers.
    â€œAren’t these lovely?” she gushed, giving them abig, noisy sniff. “A dozen purple tulips. My favorite!”
    â€œWhere did you get them?” I asked.
    â€œSherman Oaks gave them to me,” she said. “He sends me flowers every morning. As a bribe. He’s bribing me to give him the Heinie Prize.”
    I snickered. “Of course it isn’t working,” I said. “Bribing you—how ridiculous!”
    â€œYes, it’s definitely working,” Mrs. H. replied. “I love flowers. Sherman is number one!” She took another big sniff and inhaled an entire tulip.
    â€œDid you say those were purple tulips ?” I said. “Oh, no! Didn’t you hear about Purple Tulip Fever? It’s a flesh-eating disease you catch by touching purple tulips. I saw it on TV. It spreads over your entire body and eats your skin away.”
    â€œHUH—?” Mrs. Heinie let out a scream. She heaved the flowers into a trash can. “I’d better go wash! Thanks for the warning, Bernie!”
    â€œNo problem,” I said. I watched her race up the stairs.
    Score one for Bernie B. But I still had my hands full. How could Belzer compete with Sherman and his bribes?
    That night, I went to work….

Chapter 9
B ERNIE THE S LAVE
    That night in my room, I slid my arm around Belzer’s shoulders. “A few lessons from Bernie B.,” I said, “and you’ll be almost as brilliant, outstanding, and awesome as I am!”
    Belzer grinned his lopsided grin at me. “I’m ready,” he said. He started to pant like a dog.
    â€œWe’ll start with your wardrobe,” I said.
    â€œI don’t have a robe,” Belzer replied.
    â€œYour clothes,” I said. “Let’s check out your clothes.” I led him into the tiny room across the hall that he shares with Feenman and Crench. The threeof them insisted on sharing a room so that I could have my own room. They know I need a lot of space for planning and scheming.
    Feenman and Crench sleep in a bunk bed. Belzer has a little cot over the air vent.
    Feenman and Crench sat down to watch us. Crench picked up a couple of hot dog–shaped balloons and started to let the air out of them slowly. His hobby is making disgusting noises with balloons—and he’s very good at it. We have a bunch of talented guys in our dorm. Too bad Belzer isn’t one of them.
    â€œWhat’s that pile over there?” I asked, pointing.
    â€œMy T-shirts,” Belzer said.
    â€œYou need plain white shirts to go with your school uniform,” I said. “Let’s see what you have here….” I started sifting through his T-shirts, reading what they said:
    PLEASE DON’T HURT ME
    I NEED MEDICATION
    WELCOME TO THE PLANET LOSER DON’T BLAME ME—I WAS BORN LIKE THIS “These are all loser T-shirts,” I said.
    Belzer squinted at them. “Really? Do you think so?”
    â€œGet rid of them,” I ordered. “You have to wear plain white shirts. And always wear your school tie. You have to look sharp from now on. And what’s that mountain of smelly rags?” I pointed again.
    â€œThe rest of my clothes,” Belzer said. “After I do your laundry, there’s no time to do mine.”
    I stared at the pile. “When’s the last time you did your laundry?”
    â€œNever?” Belzer replied.
    â€œGloves!” I called to Feenman and Crench. “Quick!” I held up my hands. “Glove me.”
    Feenman pulled a pair of rubber gloves over my hands. Then I bent down and started picking through the smelly, stained shirts and