The Grand Duchess of Nowhere Read Free Page A

because you’ve previously agreed to be Queen of Romania.’
    Which, if nothing else, demonstrated that Aunt Louise was impractical and also, possibly, slightly bonkers. Missy, in a rainforest!
    ‘And who knows?’ she said. ‘You may end up marrying Ernie anyway. As you say, he’s agreeable company.’
    I said, ‘I don’t at all mind waiting. The problem is he hasn’t even asked me.’
    ‘Heavens, Ducky,’ she said. ‘If he’s the one you want, why don’t you ask him? So? What do you think?’
    It was Grandma Queen, to the life, fashioned from best Deeside butter.
    I didn’t ask Ernie to marry me. Mother would never have forgiven me. And what if I’d asked him and he’d turned me down? It would have been too humiliating. I decided to try and enjoy what was left of my time at Balmoral and we did have some larks. Ernie wrote a little skit called
Dinnae Gang on the Moor
and we performed it for the tenantry before supper at the Tenants’ Ball. Ernie played the hapless traveller, the Henry Prussias were cast as the innkeeper and his wife, and I was Ghoulish Noises Off. May Teck was supposed to operate the rainbox but Grandma Queen developed a fancy to do that herself and poor May had to content herself with the drumming of coconut-shell hooves. Everyone said it was a triumph.
    There was one day when I thought Ernie really was about to propose. He asked me to walk with him down to his mother’s memorial. It was a granite cross, quite overrun with ivy. Princess Alice, Grand Duchess of Hesse. Her name shall live though now she is no more
.
    Ernie was only ten when she died, although he was no stranger to death. His elder brother had already passed away. The bleedingdisease. That was why it had fallen to Ernie to become Grand Duke of Hesse.
    I asked him what his mother was like.
    ‘Very lovely,’ he said. ‘Kind and lovely and always busy doing good works. Actually, I hardly remember. But I’m sure she was. Everyone says so.’
    We sat for a while listening to the sound of the river and then we both felt chilled and walked on and the moment passed.
    He said, ‘You’re very quiet today, Miss Duckydoo. I hope you’re not going all pensive on me. “Pensive” isn’t permitted at Balmoral, don’t you know? Not done at all. It would be like going out to the grouse butts wearing one’s tailcoat.’
    Once a week, Ernie and I would go into Ballater to buy butterscotch and packets of Gayetty’s medicated papers for the littlest room – at Balmoral one was only ever given squares of the
Aberdeen Journal
and they were terribly harsh – but one could never just go on an ordinary errand with Ernie. He was always looking for ways to make life more fun. He wore a straw bonnet one time, which looked very puzzling because Ernie had such a splendid moustache, and the next time he dared me to drive the wagonette wearing a pair of his duck trousers and a monocle. His naughtiest jape though was the song he’d composed, a little ditty which he fitted to the tune of
Ode to Joy
.
    Geeraffes, llamas and alpacas
,
    Camels too, have necks quite tall
.
    But, the saddest fluke of Nature
,
    Grandma has no neck at all
.
    Eventually he didn’t need to sing the words. In sight of Grandma Queen, he’d simply whistle the tune. It was agony not to laughand then Grandma would take me to one side and ask me if I was quite well.
    ‘Is it women’s troubles, dear?’ she’d murmur. ‘You’ll find things get easier after you’ve had your first child.’
    I will say she always treated me with kindness, even when I failed to become engaged. She recognised it was Ernie who was dragging things out. Mother was in a less forgiving mood. Just as Pa and I got back to Coburg, she was about to leave for Romania, to be with Missy for her confinement. We practically crossed on the doorstep.
    She said, ‘What a waste of my time and effort. Are you sure you’re not discouraging him? I hope you’re not still thinking of Cyril Vladimirovich, young