The Crock of Gold Read Free Page A

I went through everything in her bit of a
house—the washboard wasn't there."
    "It wouldn't be," said the Philosopher.
    "Maybe your honour could tell a body where it is then?"
    "Maybe I could," said the Philosopher, "are you listening?"
    "I am," said Meehawl MacMurrachu.
    The Philosopher drew his chair closer to the visitor until their knees were jammed together. He laid both his hands on Meehawl MacMurrachu's knees—
    "Washing is an extraordinary custom," said he. "We are washed both on coming into the world and on going out of it, and we take no pleasure from the first washing nor any profit from the
last."
    "True for you, sir," said Meehawl MacMurrachu.
    "Many people consider that scourings supplementary to these are only due to habit. Now, habit is continuity of action, it is a most detestable thing and is very difficult to get away from. A
proverb will run where a writ will not, and the follies of our forefathers are of greater importance to us than is the well-being of our posterity."
    "I wouldn't say a word against that, sir," said Meehawl MacMurrachu.
    "Cats are a philosophic and thoughtful race, but they do not admit the efficacy of either water or soap, and yet it is usually conceded that they are cleanly folk. There are exceptions to every
rule, and I once knew a cat who lusted after water and bathed daily, he was an unnatural brute and died ultimately of the head staggers. Children are nearly as wise as cats. It is true that they
will utilise water in a variety of ways, for instance, the destruction of a table cloth or a pinafore, and I have observed them greasing a ladder with soap, showing in the process a great knowledge
of the properties of this material."
    "Why shouldn't they, to be sure?" said Meehawl MacMurrachu. "Have you got a match, sir?"
    "I have not," said the Philosopher. "Sparrows, again, are a highly acute and reasonable folk. They use water to quench thirst, but when they are dirty they take a dust bath and are at once
cleansed. Of course, birds are often seen in the water, but they go there to catch fish and not to wash. I have often fancied that fish are a dirty, sly, and unintelligent people—this is due
to their staying so much in the water, and it has been observed that on being removed from this element they at once expire through sheer ecstasy at escaping from their prolonged washing."
    "I have seen them doing it myself," said Meehawl. "Did you ever hear, sir, about the fish that Paudeen MacLoughlin caught in the policeman's hat?"
    "I did not," said the Philosopher. "The first person who washed was possibly a person seeking a cheap notoriety. Any fool can wash himself, but every wise man knows that it is an unnecessary
labour, for nature will quickly reduce him to a natural and healthy dirtiness again. We should seek, therefore, not how to make ourselves clean, but how to attain a more unique and splendid
dirtiness, and perhaps the accumulated layers of matter might, by ordinary geologic compulsion, become incorporated with the human cuticle and so render clothing unnecessary—"
    "About that washboard," said Meehawl, "I was just going to say—"
    "It doesn't matter," said the Philosopher. "In its proper place I admit the necessity for water. As a thing to sail a ship on it can scarcely be surpassed (not, you will understand, that I
entirely approve of ships, they tend to create and perpetuate international curiosity and the smaller vermin of different latitudes). As an element wherewith to put out a fire, or brew tea, or make
a slide in winter it is useful, but in a tin basin it has a repulsive and meagre aspect.—Now as to your wife's washboard—"
    "Good luck to your honour," said Meehawl.
    "Your wife says that either the fairies or a woman with a goat's leg has it."
    "It's her whiskers," said Meehawl.
    "They are lame," said the Philosopher sternly.
    "Have it your own way, sir, I'm not certain now how the creature is afflicted."
    "You say that this unhealthy woman has not