The After Girls Read Free

almost sheepish. He hadn’t asked her that since the day he’d driven her home from French club, sitting in his Jeep. Her fingers were tingling and she’d felt warm and nervous and surprised that someone who seemed so cool, so in control, had to ask before he made a move.
    Now it was like they were back at the beginning, starting over. Just not so happy this time.
    But Ella nodded anyway, and their lips touched lightly, and just like everything else in her life now, something was different.
    • • •
    She and her mom got to the funeral home right at four. Ben had offered to drive her but she’d said no. The only person she really wanted to be with was Sydney, anyway. The place was already almost full. She guessed that’s what happened when someone died so young. She looked around at all the faces, people from school, people from the café, Astrid’s neighbors. How many of them had really known her?
    Had Ella even really known her?
    She felt a hand on her shoulder, and she turned to see Sydney. She was decked out in black lace, tights, combat boots and lipstick that matched her hair. Only she could find a way to look hot for a funeral.
    Sydney wrapped her in a hug and held her tight. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she said. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
    “Not too long, I hope,” Ella said.
    Sydney just shook her head.
    Their moms banded together and gave them some space.
    “Should we go in?” Sydney asked, nodding to the main room just to their right. Where Astrid would inevitably be.
    “I guess,” Ella said. “I guess we have to.”
    The place smelled toxic, like too many lilies, and the first thing she noticed was how ugly the carpeting was — mauve and brown and gaudy florals. Astrid would have hated it. They walked up to a line that led to the casket, which made her feel like she was at some kind of hellish amusement park.
    “This is so fucked up,” Sydney said, her voice a whisper. “This is like, so. Fucked. Up.”
    Ella didn’t do anything but nod. She didn’t know what to say. This was like the official confirmation that made the nightmare of the last few days real. The line moved surprisingly fast, and with each step forward, fear sparked in her stomach, kindling, dancing, growing like fire.
    Finally, they were just one away. Ella’s breathing grew quick, and Sydney must have noticed. She squeezed her hand tight and didn’t let go, even though Ella could feel her palms sweating.
    And then they were up, and there was no turning back. Ella walked slowly, her feet like weights, and then there they were. Standing over Astrid’s casket. Saying goodbye to their friend.
    The first thing she thought was that it wasn’t her. Not the Astrid she’d known, not the one she’d been seeing in her dreams. The hair was there, ginger red and carefully set around her, but her clothes were different, her chest was bare. Her face was coated in thick makeup, blush, and orangey foundation that mimicked the color of her dress. You couldn’t see the tiny freckles that spattered the bridge of her nose or the crinkly lines at the edges of her eyes.
    After a moment, she felt Sydney tug her, and she let herself be led. Grace stood waiting for them in the receiving line, next to three more faces that she didn’t know.
    Ella didn’t have words. The last time she’d spoken to this woman — this woman whom she’d known since she was eleven, who’d been her favorite adult, who was so beautiful, so wild, so fun — the last time she’d spoken to her had been in screams.
    So Ella just looked in her eyes, her puffy, messy eyes, and hugged her as quick as she could, walking away without saying anything to the people standing next to her. She didn’t want to meet anyone new today.
    In moments, Sydney was by her side again. They walked to the middle of the room and grabbed two chairs that were far away enough from anyone else in their school. Ella didn’t want to talk to people, and she had a feeling that