Something Happened Read Free

company does run. Sometimes these twelve men at the top work for the government for a little while. They don’t seem interested in doing much more. Two of them know what I do and recognize me, because I have helped them in the past, and they have been kind enough to rememberme, although not, I’m sure, by name. They inevitably smile when they see me and say: “How are you?” (I inevitably nod and respond: “Fine.”) Since I have little contact with these twelve men at the top and see them seldom, I am not really afraid of them. But most of the people I am afraid of in the company are.
    Just about everybody in the company is afraid of somebody else in the company, and I sometimes think I am a cowering boy back in the automobile casualty insurance company for which I used to work very long ago, sorting and filing automobile accident reports after Mrs. Yerger was placed in charge of the file room and kept threatening daily to fire us all. She was a positive, large woman of overbearing confidence and nasty amiability who never doubted the wisdom of her biases. A witty older girl named Virginia sat under a big Western Union clock in that office and traded dirty jokes with me (“My name’s Virginia—Virgin for short, but not for long, ha, ha.”); she was peppy and direct, always laughing and teasing (with me, anyway), and I was too young and dumb then to see that she wasn’t just joking. (Good God—she used to ask me to get a room for us somewhere, and I didn’t even know how! She was extremely pretty, I think now, although I’m not sure I thought so then, but I did like her, and she got me hot. Her father had killed himself a few years before.) Much went on there in that company too that I didn’t know about. (Virginia herself had told me that one of the married claims adjusters had taken her out in his car one night, turned insistent, and threatened to rape her or put her out near a cemetery, until she pretended to start to cry.) I was afraid to open doors in that company too, I remember, even when I had been sent for by one of the lawyers or adjusters to bring in an important file or a sandwich. I was never sure whether to knock or walk right in, to tap deferentially or rap loudly enough to be heard at once and command admission. Either way, I would often encounter expressions of annoyance and impatience (or feel I did. I had arrived too soon or arrived too late).
    Mrs. Yerger bullied us all. In a little while, nearly all of the file clerks quit, a few of the older onesto go into the army or navy, the rest of us for better jobs. I left for a better job that turned out to be worse. It took nerve to give notice I was quitting, and it always has. (I rehearsed my resignation speech for days, building up the courage to deliver it, and formulated earnest, self-righteous answers to accusing questions about my reasons for leaving that neither Mrs. Yerger nor anyone else even bothered to ask.) I have this thing about authority, about walking right up to it and looking it squarely in the eye, about speaking right out to it bravely and defiantly, even when I know I am right and safe. (I can never make myself believe I
am
safe.) I just don’t trust it.
    That was my first job after graduating (or being graduated
from
) high school. I was seventeen then—that “older,” witty, flirting girl under the Western Union clock, Virginia, was only twenty-one (too young now by at least a year or two, even for me)—and in every job I’ve had since, I’ve always been afraid I was about to be fired. Actually, I have never been fired from a job; instead, I receive generous raises and rapid promotions, because I am usually very alert (at the beginning) and grasp things quickly. But this feeling of failure, this depressing sense of imminent catastrophe and public shame, persists even here, where I do good work steadily and try to make no enemies. It’s just that I find it impossible to know exactly what is going on behind the closed