Soft Read Free

said, half to himself.
    She sat with her head bent and her legs folded under her, and her shoulders shook in what was left of her favourite silk blouse. One bra-strap showed, pale-green, making her seem fragile, breakable.
    â€˜It was the Scullys,’ he said, ‘wasn’t it.’
    She wouldn’t answer.
    He moved to the window and stared out. Areas of concrete, areas of grass. You couldn’t imagine anything had been there before the tower-blocks. You couldn’t imagine all the trees. He had been reading about it in a book he had borrowed from the library. How England used to be. Just trees for miles. He turned back into the room, looked down at Jill. Her shoulderblades still shaking, her black hair drawn across her face.
    The next day he found someone who had seen the whole thing. It was the Scully women who had done it. They’d set on Jill in the yard behind the building, four or five of them, like witches. Shouting
bitch
at her and
whore
and
tart
. And nobody helped, of course. Nobody ever does.
    â€˜I’ll sort it out,’ he muttered.
    But he could tell by the sound of his voice that he would do nothing of the kind. His anger had deserted him.
    At night he felt the bed tremble slightly, as if a train was passing four floors down. He realised that Jill was crying. He faced away from her, pretending to be asleep. He focused on the gap between the curtains, which was wider at the bottom than the top. He stared at the gap until it became a longstraight road that crossed dark countryside, disappearing into a distance that seemed untroubled, inviting. During the day he stayed indoors. He watched TV for hours, the volume turned up loud, but all he could hear was the steady buzz of current pouring from the wall. One afternoon, while he was shaving, he noticed a new line on his face. It was deep but fine, like the cut from a razor or a blade of grass. It slanted from his left temple towards the bridge of his nose, then vanished half an inch above his eyebrow, fading abruptly, the way a river fades on a map. Time was spilling through his fingers. How could he stop that happening? In the evening Jill moved around behind him, a ghostly presence at the edge of his vision. Because she was trying to be quiet, she often knocked things over. They no longer talked; they were like two people who had become invisible to one another. Outside, the weather sulked, even though it was June. Clouds filled the sky. Chill air blew through the broken bathroom window, smelling of bacon-rinds and gravy.
    Finally Jill left.
    He found her silk blouse on the kitchen floor when he came home one evening, the flimsy arms flung out, crooked, a detail from a crime scene. In the lounge, under the window, he saw the travel brochures she collected. Otherwise there was no trace of her – no shoes beneath the bed, no perfume on the bathroom shelf, no note. It wasn’t like her, not to leave a note.
Gone shopping. Back soon
. A circle above the i instead of a dot. Loops on p’s and k’s and h’s. He stood in the middle of the room and said her name out loud.
Jill
. Later, he sat in an armchair with some of her brochures, their pages slippery as fish. Every tour company you’d ever heard of, every destination you could imagine. She didn’t actually want to go anywhere, she’d always told him. She just liked looking at the pictures. He studied the blue skies and the white five-star hotels, thinking they might tell him what had happened, where he’d gone wrong. The longer he looked, the stranger the imagesbecame. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t see himself waist-deep in a turquoise swimming-pool, or eating lobster in a restaurant by candle-light. That sun-tanned skin, those air-brushed teeth … He had a sudden memory of Jill in the front of someone’s car, her body clumsy, voluptuous. She was wearing a black dress with small white dots on it and a pair of cheap black tights from