So Feral! Read Free

Finn’ll make a mess of this kitchen.’
    ‘Very funny,’ says Finn.
    I think of Mum and her or else . ‘Good idea,’ I agree, also standing up.
    I head for the back yard. Josh and Finn follow, Elliot and Ryan behind.
    Josh and Finn sit opposite each other on the grass, the rest of us in a semi-circle around them. The cups are in the middle.
    ‘What the heck!’ says Finn. Without waiting for the countdown he grabs his cup and puts it to his lips.
    ‘Hey!’ says Josh. ‘Now who’s cheating!’ He, too, grabs his cup of goop and starts to throw it down.
    Finn seems to be swallowing, but with a mouthful like that it’s hard to tell.
    Same for Josh. He’s holding his nose, trying to get past the dog-food smell.
    Maybe it’s not the smell? I look at the goop. No, it’s the texture that’s going to do him in. Big meaty chunks have floated to the surface. They’re pink and lumpy and bob up and down in the green cordial. Bet there’s heaps more on the bottom.
    Josh is trying to swallow and chew at the same time. It’s dodgy. Rivers of green are gushing down his chin. There’s brown flakes in the rivers, too small for dog food — probably the crunchy bits of peanut butter. Josh pauses to take a quick breath. A thick gelatinous paste is stuck to the roof of his mouth. Those squished bits between his teeth will be hard to budge.
    He reminds me of the cannibal joke. You know the one: What did the cannibal have for breakfast?
    I decide to concentrate on Finn. Take my mind off Josh’s blobby bits.
    Finn’s taking a breather as well. More than a breather, really. He is gulping in huge lungfuls of air, fanning his face at the same time. His face is pure white, except for the yellow mustard. The chilli must’ve drowned out the ice cream. I watch as beads of sweat roll down his forehead and head for his top lip. Finn’s looking hotter than anything a fireman could handle.
    I’m beginning to feel sorry for both of them.
    Josh distracts me with some major throat-clearing. He’s wearing a marrowbone jelly moustache and hasaged ten years. He manages to rasp, ‘Give up, Sunshine?’ with more than a hint of desperation.
    Finn shakes his head. He can’t speak!
    Josh goes to say something more but all that comes out is a gurgle.
    Both cups are still half-full.
    I put on my Judge Red voice and ask, ‘Would you like to call it a tie?’
    In answer, Josh picks up his cup. Glug, glug, glug . He’s going to do it! But then he stops. The look on his face spells trouble.
    ‘Duck!’ I yell, trying to move out of the way.
    A huge burp rips. I brace myself. But the only thing that hits the air is the smell of canned beef.
    Even Josh looks pleasantly surprised. He grins. Again, he picks up his cup. He tilts the cup to his lips but keeps his eye on Finn as he says, ‘Last few mouthfuls, Sunshine.’
    As bad as it is for Josh, it is worse for Finn. He has started to froth. Saliva foams from the corners of his mouth, spume slides from his nose, his eyes gush. His body is blistered with sweat. He’s moaning incoherently. I catch the words dash of chilli as he goes down.
    ‘Done!’ As proof, Josh up-ends his cup, earning himself a cheer from Ryan and Elliot.
    ‘Urrgh.’ Finn’s not looking too good. He burps, too. A vanillary, mustardy, garlicky burp floats my way.
    Finn burps again. A bubble slips out. And then comes the fountain. Like a drilling rig that’s hit oil, spraying the whole back yard.
    I dive out of the way.
    Ryan and Elliot trip over themselves in their efforts to get clear. Mustard and olive oil spear into the air. Josh is too slow. He is moving like a drunk. In seconds he is covered. He’s wearing greasy yellow crocodile skin.
    A series of after-shocks follow, each with their own gusher.
    ‘Good one, Sunshine,’ croaks Josh.
    ‘Another successful game of Goop!’ announces Elliot.
    ‘I win,’ splutters Josh, wiping his mouth on his underarm, the only clean patch on his shirt.
    I look at Finn, who has