Short Back and Sides Read Free Page A

him.’
Iraqi weather
    27 April 2009
    It was raining again, but as usual there were moments of sunshine in between.
    Customer: When will this Iraqi weather ever end!
    Barber: Iraqi weather? What do you mean?
    Customer: It’s the same day in and day out: Sunni and Shi’ite!
You don’t know what a recession is!
    28 April 2009
    Young customer (a student): This recession is terrible. We can’t get away to work for the summer because there are no jobs anywhere, and I haven’t the money to go out and get smashed at the weekend. The summer is going to be tough. At least I’m not finished college this year.
    Barber: Yeah, it’s affecting everyone. It’s all I hear lately: recession, recession, recession . . .
    Older customer (in the next chair): You don’t know what you’re talking about. You haven’t lived through a recession. This is a privileged recession. You have so much compared with what it was like in the past, and no-one will go hungry. When I was young I had one pair of jeans, and I had to stay in on a Sunday morning while my mother washed them!
    Everyone just burst out laughing.
How to catch a cold
    29 April 2009
    A customer was sniffling while I was cutting his hair. I brought him a box of tissues and left them beside him. The customer in the next chair having his hair done noticed and was watching.
    Barber: I see you have a touch of a cold there.
    Customer 1: Yes, I was out for a few drinks last night, and I woke up sneezing this morning.
    Customer 2 (in the next chair): Well, that’s what you get for drinking out of a damp glass!
Frustrated tourist
    30 April 2009
    Customer (on holiday from America): Went down to Croke Park with the kids the other day, and it was gone!
    Barber: Gone? What do you mean, gone?
    Customer: There’s no park there: they’ve built a stadium on it.
Male chauvinist
    1 May 2009
    Customer: Do you know that there’s only one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?
    Barber: And what’s that?
    Customer: A woman who won’t do what she’s told!
The mysterious case of the missing gnome
    2 May 2009
    There was a peculiar house in Rathfarnham, Co. Dublin, which was brightly painted and had, I think, salmon-coloured roof tiles. I heard many stories about that house—even that it had been sponsored by Dulux! It was known to many people for the number of gnomes in the front garden—there must have been fifty or more. One day while I was working away a customer told me about the house. I had seen it once or twice, so I knew it existed.
    Customer: Did you hear about the gnome house?
    Barber: No, what about it?
    Customer: Well, two sisters live there. They’re very proud of their gnomes, and they’d notice if one was missing, you see?
    Barber: Okay.
    Customer: Well, a few months ago, one of the gnomes disappeared! There was no sign of it anywhere, and the sisters thought maybe whoever took it would put it back. But weeks went by, and still no sign. Then, out of the blue, one morning they received a letter from Australia. They opened it, and it was a letter from the gnome telling them not to worry, that he was fine, just wanted a bit of a holiday, and he was enjoying Sydney and hoping they weren’t missing him too much. Also with the letter was a photo of the gnome, with Sydney Opera House in the background!
    A little while later another letter arrived, and then another, each containing a photo of the gnome in various well-known exotic locations. Well, the sisters didn’t know what it was at first, but after a while it seems to have been students travelling who took the gnome with them and who for a laugh were sending the photos and letters back.
    Anyway, the summer’s over now, and guess what: just the other morning the gnome was back in the garden!
    Barber: Back from his travels!
    This story later went out on the ‘Gerry Ryan Show’, and later a similar one appeared in ‘Coronation Street’.
Next,