always, but tonight things changed and then changed some more. He gave me a key to his place and told me he has feelings for me. From there things went from amazing and confusing to a disaster.”
The tea pot whistled loudly, and she hops up. “Just a minute. Hold that thought.” Soon she returns with two cups of tea and I start again. I give her all the awful details. Her face goes from shock to sadness to more shock. Even Janette is rendered speechless by my tale which sounds more like fiction rather than real life.
“I know. It’s a lot to take in. I’m still reeling. That’s why I didn’t want to go home and be alone. I’d never be able to sleep anyway.”
Janette reaches out with both arms. “Come here.” I lean into her, needing the hug my best friend was offering. “I’m so sorry, hun. This sucks major ass.”
I sniffle and literally cry on her shoulder. “I know. It’s so fucked up, Jan. I don’t know what to do.”
She leans back and looks at me. “You do what you feel is right. Not what you think is right, but what you feel.”
“I don’t know what I feel. That’s the problem.”
She gives me her all-knowing glare and tilts her head to the side. “I think you do. You just don’t want to admit it to yourself. You care for him, I know it. It’s written all over you.”
I stare into my lap, rolling the string of the sweatpants back and forth between my fingers.
“It doesn’t matter if I care for him. Things are way too complicated now.”
She picks up her tea cup and blows on it slowly before saying anything else. “That’s bullshit and you know it. You didn’t know. How could you have known? And, so what…you know his story with his wife.” She takes a sip and sets her drink back down. “You would’ve found out anyway if you two stayed together. Eventually he would’ve told you. I don’t think this is as major as you think it is.”
“Then why does it feel that way?”
“Here.” She hands me my tea. “Drink some of this and warm up. And that’s easy. You’re in shock over everything, which is completely understandable. Once things have time to process for each of you I’m sure you can talk things out.”
“I don’t know. He has so much to deal with now, especially with this development about their daughter. I mean…what if this could bring them back together? I have no right to stand in the way of that.”
Janette puts her hand to her forehead. “God, you are such a fucking saint. Stop thinking about everyone else for once. I love you to pieces but, my gosh, you have to think about you right now. Of course you aren’t going to get in between them and what they are dealing with. But you can’t sit around and dream up ideas about things you know nothing about. Have you even read the entire story? Do you even know how things ultimately ended with them?”
I think back and go over the story in my head. All I recall is him leaving; she did explain how and why, but there was a lot left in the story I hadn’t gotten to read yet. I stand up abruptly.
“I have to go home. I have to go read the rest of it.”
She smiles. “Yes, you do. Hopefully your answer will be there.”
Even though her body was never found, it had been confirmed that the blood discovered in an abandoned car was hers; a lot of blood. She was only a few years old—losing that much blood and surviving just wasn’t possible. I knew that, deep down, but Brian would never accept it. His positive outlook and boundless hope fueled my anger daily. After he left, we only saw each other for meetings with our divorce attorneys. Still, he always remained hopeful. I hated him for that—I wanted him to be angry, too. I wanted him to wallow in the depths of despair along with me. He abandoned my pain and I never forgave him for it. In the process of hating him, I pushed him so far away that nothing could ever erase the damage done. I went through a long grieving process and eventually my hate
The tea pot whistled loudly, and she hops up. “Just a minute. Hold that thought.” Soon she returns with two cups of tea and I start again. I give her all the awful details. Her face goes from shock to sadness to more shock. Even Janette is rendered speechless by my tale which sounds more like fiction rather than real life.
“I know. It’s a lot to take in. I’m still reeling. That’s why I didn’t want to go home and be alone. I’d never be able to sleep anyway.”
Janette reaches out with both arms. “Come here.” I lean into her, needing the hug my best friend was offering. “I’m so sorry, hun. This sucks major ass.”
I sniffle and literally cry on her shoulder. “I know. It’s so fucked up, Jan. I don’t know what to do.”
She leans back and looks at me. “You do what you feel is right. Not what you think is right, but what you feel.”
“I don’t know what I feel. That’s the problem.”
She gives me her all-knowing glare and tilts her head to the side. “I think you do. You just don’t want to admit it to yourself. You care for him, I know it. It’s written all over you.”
I stare into my lap, rolling the string of the sweatpants back and forth between my fingers.
“It doesn’t matter if I care for him. Things are way too complicated now.”
She picks up her tea cup and blows on it slowly before saying anything else. “That’s bullshit and you know it. You didn’t know. How could you have known? And, so what…you know his story with his wife.” She takes a sip and sets her drink back down. “You would’ve found out anyway if you two stayed together. Eventually he would’ve told you. I don’t think this is as major as you think it is.”
“Then why does it feel that way?”
“Here.” She hands me my tea. “Drink some of this and warm up. And that’s easy. You’re in shock over everything, which is completely understandable. Once things have time to process for each of you I’m sure you can talk things out.”
“I don’t know. He has so much to deal with now, especially with this development about their daughter. I mean…what if this could bring them back together? I have no right to stand in the way of that.”
Janette puts her hand to her forehead. “God, you are such a fucking saint. Stop thinking about everyone else for once. I love you to pieces but, my gosh, you have to think about you right now. Of course you aren’t going to get in between them and what they are dealing with. But you can’t sit around and dream up ideas about things you know nothing about. Have you even read the entire story? Do you even know how things ultimately ended with them?”
I think back and go over the story in my head. All I recall is him leaving; she did explain how and why, but there was a lot left in the story I hadn’t gotten to read yet. I stand up abruptly.
“I have to go home. I have to go read the rest of it.”
She smiles. “Yes, you do. Hopefully your answer will be there.”
Even though her body was never found, it had been confirmed that the blood discovered in an abandoned car was hers; a lot of blood. She was only a few years old—losing that much blood and surviving just wasn’t possible. I knew that, deep down, but Brian would never accept it. His positive outlook and boundless hope fueled my anger daily. After he left, we only saw each other for meetings with our divorce attorneys. Still, he always remained hopeful. I hated him for that—I wanted him to be angry, too. I wanted him to wallow in the depths of despair along with me. He abandoned my pain and I never forgave him for it. In the process of hating him, I pushed him so far away that nothing could ever erase the damage done. I went through a long grieving process and eventually my hate
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