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    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â an offering
a gold word        a signal
    I need more than
air, blood, it would open
everything
    which you won’t let me see.

    Sleeping in sunlight
(you occupy
me so completely
    run through my brain as warm
chemicals and melted
gold, spread out wings to the
ends of my fingers
reach my heart and
stop, digging your claws in
    If a bird what kind /
nothing I have ever
seen in air / you fly
through earth and water casting
a red shadow
    The door wakes me, this is
your jewelled reptilian
eye in darkness next to
mine, shining feathers of
hair sift over my forehead

    What is it, it does not
move like love, it does
not want to know, it
does not want to stroke, unfold
    it does not even want to
touch, it is more like
an animal (not
loving) a
thing trapped, you move
wounded, you are hurt, you hurt,
you want to get out, you want
to tear yourself out, I am
    the outside, I am snow and
space, pathways, you gather
yourself, your muscles
    clutch, you move
into me as though I
am (wrenching
your way through, this is
urgent, it is your
life) the
last chance for freedom

    You are the sun
in reverse, all energy
flows into you and is
abolished; you refuse
houses, you smell of
catastrophe, I see you
blind and one-handed, flashing
in the dark, trees breaking
under your feet, you demand,
you demand
    I lie mutilated beside
you; beneath us there are
sirens, fires, the people run
squealing, the city
is crushed and gutted,
the ends of your fingers bleed
from 1000 murders
    Putting on my clothes
again, retreating, closing doors
I am amazed / I can continue
to think, eat, anything
    How can I stop you
    Why did I create you

Hesitations outside the door
    1
    I’m telling the wrong lies,
they are not even useful.
    The right lies would at least
be keys, they would open the door.
    The door is closed; the chairs,
the tables, the steel bowl, myself
    shaping bread in the kitchen, wait
outside it.
    2
    That was a lie also,
I could go in if I wanted to.
    Whose house is this
we both live in
but neither of us owns
    How can I be expected
to find my way around
    I could go in if I wanted to,
that’s not the point, I don’t have time,
    I should be doing something
other than you.
    3
    What do you want from me
you who walk towards me over the long floor
    your arms outstretched, your heart
luminous through the ribs
    around your head a crown
of shining blood
    This is your castle, this is your metal door,
these are your stairs, your
    bones, you twist all possible
dimensions into your own
    4
    Alternate version: you advance
through the grey streets of this house,
    the walls crumble, the dishes
thaw, vines grow
on the softening refrigerator
    I say, leave me
alone, this is my winter,
    I will stay here if I choose
    You will not listen
to resistances, you cover me
    with flags, a dark red
season, you delete from me
all other colours
    5
    Don’t let me do this to you,
you are not those other people,
you are yourself
    Take off the signatures, the false
bodies, this love
which does not fit you
    This is not a house, there are no doors,
get out while it is
open, while you still can
    6
    If we make stories for each other
about what is in the room
we will never have to go in.
    You say: my other wives
are in there, they are all
beautiful and happy, they love me, why
disturb them
    I say: it is only
a cupboard, my collection
of envelopes, my painted
eggs, my rings
    In your pockets the thin women
hang on their hooks, dismembered
    Around my neck I wear
the head of the beloved, pressed
in the metal retina like a picked flower.
    7
    Should we go into it
together / If I go into it
with you I will never come out
    If I wait outside I can salvage
this house or what is left
of it, I can keep
my candles, my dead uncles
my restrictions
    but you will go
alone, either
way is loss
    Tell me what it is for
    In the room we will find nothing
In the room we will find each other

    Lying here, everything in