Paul Is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion Read Free

comfortable in saying that the First used a spell on the baby rather than an assault. Violence certainly wouldn’t have been necessary.
    Step two: Either close or cover the victim’s eyes. I don’t know whether that’s absolutely necessary to complete the Process orsimply a local tradition. I, myself, have successfully performed the Process over nine hundred times, and in each instance, just to play it safe, the victim’s eyes were shielded. It’s worked for me thus far, and I wouldn’t try it any other way.
    Step three: Bite the right side of the victim’s neck, just below the left earlobe. (As that’s a vampirelike transformative maneuver, many have suggested that the Liverpool nzambi originated in the Balkans, but I chalk it up to an evolutionary kinship with the sewer bats.) There’s no rule as to how much of the neck needs to be bitten. Just as long as your tongue can fit into the hole, you’ll be fine. It’s not necessary to swallow the blood. For the most part, I don’t.
    Step four: Slide your expandable zombie tongue past the victim’s ear canal, around the orbital socket, and into the area housing the cerebrospinal fluid. It’s up for debate as to whether you should or shouldn’t swallow the fluid. I don’t know if drinking the fluid helps the Process, but it certainly doesn’t hurt.
    Step five: Collect the brain matter. You have only one chance—that neck hole closes up almost straightaway, and it’s common knowledge that once a brain has been penetrated, it’s edible for only three or so minutes, so it’s essential to procure as much gray matter as you can, as quickly as you can. Upon initial penetration, you’ll be closest to the cerebellum, and if you can get only one section, make it that one. If you can snake your tongue past the temporal lobe and get a piece of the parietal, bully for you.
    Step six: Extract your tongue as quickly as possible. I can’t stress this enough. The bite wound heals quickly, and you don’t want to get your tongue stuck in there. Look what happened to poor Lu Walters.
    Step seven is necessary only if you choose to reanimate your victim. Force your tongue through the roof of your own mouth—which sounds difficult, but the more experience you have, the less of an issue it becomes—then maneuver it into the brain, then remove as much of your cerebrospinal fluid as you can, and since you’re undead there isn’t much to be had, then spit it into the victim’s right ear. Including reanimation, the entire Process should take no more than two minutes. Anything beyond that, and there’s a slight chance the victim will become a Midpointer. And Midpointing somebody simply isn’t polite.
    I’m 99 percent certain that John Lennon was the first infant the Liverpool nzambi killed and reanimated. I believe this explains Lennon’s wild artistic talent and his heightened zombie powers. But maybe not. Maybe Lennon was just touched by God. Or the Devil.
    JULIA LENNON: John was me first baby, so I didn’t think anything of it when he refused me tit that first night. If he was hungry, he’d have eaten. I wasn’t worried about the mark on his neck, neither. I figured it was a birthmark. I did get concerned when, right after I brought him home, his skin got grayer and grayer, until it was the color of the concrete road in front of our house.
    LYMAN COSGROVE: Not everybody realizes that the region where a zombie is reanimated dictates everything from its powers to its appearance. For example, Brazilian and Argentinean zombies share identical undead characteristics save for their skin color: Brazil produces pale blue zombies, while in Argentina the epidermis is generally a sickly green. Another example: the zombies in the North African countries—Tunisia, for instance—remain docile, but by the time you work your way down to Botswana, you have tribes of death machines who kill up to seven people a day, without fail. I won’t torture you or your readers with what goes on