Hilton,” said one. “More Paris Travelodge,” replied her colleague.
CAMPAIGNING at Govan Cross to save the aircraft carrier contracts, Glasgow City Council leader Gordon Matheson was beckoned over by an elderly Govanite. The old boy said that in the 1970s his wife had anxiously asked union leader Jimmy Reid if any shipyard workers were to be laid off as she was worried about her man’s job.
Jimmy told her: “We’re fighting for every man, Mary, but it looks like six fitters are being made redundant.”
“That’s all right,” said Mary. “My husband’s only five foot six.”
OUR STORY of Jimmy Reid and working class rights remind Ian Wilson of dismantling a crane at Blairs defunct steelworks in Govan. After the final staff had been paid off, Ian noticed chalked on the wall in large letters: “Those who work and do their best, get their books alang wi’ the rest”.
WE WON’T name the Lothian company where a reader tells us one of the staff, after going on a health kick, had lost a sizeable amount of weight. One of the engineers complimented her and she replied: “Thanks. So you noticed?”
He perhaps should have left it at that, instead of adding: “Well, your arse used to have its own post code.”
AUTUMN, apart from being when the leaves fall, is the busiest time for after-dinner speakers.
Tom Munro tells us former police officer John McKelvie was speaking after the former footballer and rascal Frank McAvennie at the Inverclyde Amateurs anniversary dinner.
John commented it wasn’t the first time he had followed McAvennie – but it was the first time that Frank had been aware of it.
GLASGOW entrepreneur Charan Gill’s Hottest Night of the Year charity dinner at the Hilton involved business people trying stand-up comedy.
The winner was fashion agency owner Jack Konopate, who was praised by judge Tam Cowan for being controversial.
Declared Jack: “I have family back in Israel who own a pharmaceutical business which makes Israel’s best-known cure for indigestion.
“Maybe you’ve heard of it – it’s called Jewish Settlers.”
RUNNER-UP Gaynor Turner of jewellers Macintyres of Edinburgh told the audience that the Scottish team at the Commonwealth Games had eighteen gold medals, eleven silver and twenty-two bronze, adding: “That’ll serve the Canadians right for leaving their lockers open.”
FORMER Rangers and Scotland keeper Andy Goram was at a supporters’ dinner in Dundee, having accepted the invitation by telling the organiser, “Look after me if you can … and remember, I like a nice red wine.”
So Andy’s at the table and is delighted to spot six tempting bottles of a really nice Rioja.
“The guy’s done me proud,” he thinks and, before you know it, Andy and his companions have opened and finished one bottle. Then two. Then three. Four. Five.
Then the night’s big attraction, the raffle, starts. The third item? Six bottles of a really nice Rioja. Which by this time is – well, irretrievable.
Which is why a slightly shamefaced Mr Goram made speedy amends to the organiser by getting tickets for an Old Firm game.
WHO SAYS funeral directors don’t have a sense of humour? A guest at a dinner attended by the Provost of Renfrewshire and other dignitaries to mark the centenary of Renfrew funeral directors Walter Johnston & Sons, tells us one speaker recounted the classic yarn of the young boy being off school, and being asked by his teacher where he had been. He replied that his dad had been in an accident and got burned.
“I’m sorry,” replied his teacher. “I hope it was nothing serious.”
“Well, miss,” he replied, “they don’t mess about at the crematorium.”
CELEBRATING Dunfermline’s promotion to the Scottish Premier League is the club’s legendary director of football Jim Leishman. He told a fundraising dinner in Glasgow for Epilepsy Scotland that as a young player he could have signed for Liverpool, Manchester United or
CAMPAIGNING at Govan Cross to save the aircraft carrier contracts, Glasgow City Council leader Gordon Matheson was beckoned over by an elderly Govanite. The old boy said that in the 1970s his wife had anxiously asked union leader Jimmy Reid if any shipyard workers were to be laid off as she was worried about her man’s job.
Jimmy told her: “We’re fighting for every man, Mary, but it looks like six fitters are being made redundant.”
“That’s all right,” said Mary. “My husband’s only five foot six.”
OUR STORY of Jimmy Reid and working class rights remind Ian Wilson of dismantling a crane at Blairs defunct steelworks in Govan. After the final staff had been paid off, Ian noticed chalked on the wall in large letters: “Those who work and do their best, get their books alang wi’ the rest”.
WE WON’T name the Lothian company where a reader tells us one of the staff, after going on a health kick, had lost a sizeable amount of weight. One of the engineers complimented her and she replied: “Thanks. So you noticed?”
He perhaps should have left it at that, instead of adding: “Well, your arse used to have its own post code.”
AUTUMN, apart from being when the leaves fall, is the busiest time for after-dinner speakers.
Tom Munro tells us former police officer John McKelvie was speaking after the former footballer and rascal Frank McAvennie at the Inverclyde Amateurs anniversary dinner.
John commented it wasn’t the first time he had followed McAvennie – but it was the first time that Frank had been aware of it.
GLASGOW entrepreneur Charan Gill’s Hottest Night of the Year charity dinner at the Hilton involved business people trying stand-up comedy.
The winner was fashion agency owner Jack Konopate, who was praised by judge Tam Cowan for being controversial.
Declared Jack: “I have family back in Israel who own a pharmaceutical business which makes Israel’s best-known cure for indigestion.
“Maybe you’ve heard of it – it’s called Jewish Settlers.”
RUNNER-UP Gaynor Turner of jewellers Macintyres of Edinburgh told the audience that the Scottish team at the Commonwealth Games had eighteen gold medals, eleven silver and twenty-two bronze, adding: “That’ll serve the Canadians right for leaving their lockers open.”
FORMER Rangers and Scotland keeper Andy Goram was at a supporters’ dinner in Dundee, having accepted the invitation by telling the organiser, “Look after me if you can … and remember, I like a nice red wine.”
So Andy’s at the table and is delighted to spot six tempting bottles of a really nice Rioja.
“The guy’s done me proud,” he thinks and, before you know it, Andy and his companions have opened and finished one bottle. Then two. Then three. Four. Five.
Then the night’s big attraction, the raffle, starts. The third item? Six bottles of a really nice Rioja. Which by this time is – well, irretrievable.
Which is why a slightly shamefaced Mr Goram made speedy amends to the organiser by getting tickets for an Old Firm game.
WHO SAYS funeral directors don’t have a sense of humour? A guest at a dinner attended by the Provost of Renfrewshire and other dignitaries to mark the centenary of Renfrew funeral directors Walter Johnston & Sons, tells us one speaker recounted the classic yarn of the young boy being off school, and being asked by his teacher where he had been. He replied that his dad had been in an accident and got burned.
“I’m sorry,” replied his teacher. “I hope it was nothing serious.”
“Well, miss,” he replied, “they don’t mess about at the crematorium.”
CELEBRATING Dunfermline’s promotion to the Scottish Premier League is the club’s legendary director of football Jim Leishman. He told a fundraising dinner in Glasgow for Epilepsy Scotland that as a young player he could have signed for Liverpool, Manchester United or
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