Out of Place: A Memoir Read Free

sisters. Whether this was because I constantly misread my part or because of some deep flaw in my being I could not tell for most of my early life. Sometimes I was intransigent, and proud of it. At other times I seemed to myself to be nearly devoid of any character at all, timid, uncertain, without will. Yet the overriding sensation I had was of always being out of place. Thus it took me about fifty years to become accustomed to, or, more exactly, to feel less uncomfortable with, “Edward,” a foolishly English name yoked forcibly to the unmistakably Arabic family name Said. True my mother told me that I had been named Edward after the Prince of Wales, who cut so fine a figure in 1935, the year of my birth, and Said was the name of various uncles and cousins. But the rationale of my name broke down both when I discovered no grandparents called Said and when I tried to connect my fancy English name with its Arabic partner. For years, and depending on the exact circumstances, I would rush past “Edward” and emphasize “Said”; at other times I would do the reverse, or connect these two to each other so quickly that neither would be clear. The one thing I could not tolerate, but very often would haveto endure, was the disbelieving, and hence undermining, reaction: Edward? Said?
    The travails of bearing such a name were compounded by an equally unsettling quandary when it came to language. I have never known what language I spoke first, Arabic or English, or which one was really mine beyond any doubt. What I do know, however, is that the two have always been together in my life, one resonating in the other, sometimes ironically, sometimes nostalgically, most often each correcting, and commenting on, the other. Each
can
seem like my absolutely first language, but neither is. I trace this primal instability back to my mother, whom I remember speaking to me in both English and Arabic, although she always wrote to me in English—once a week, all her life, as did I, all of hers. Certain spoken phrases of hers like
tislamli
or
mish
rfa shu biddi
mal?
or
rou
ha
—dozens of them—were Arabic, and I was never conscious of having to translate them or, even in cases like
tislamli
, knowing exactly what they meant. They were a part of her infinitely maternal atmosphere, which in moments of great stress I found myself yearning for in the softly uttered phrase
“ya mama,”
an atmosphere dreamily seductive then suddenly snatched away, promising something in the end never given.
    But woven into her Arabic speech were English words like “naughty boy” and of course my name, pronounced “Edwaad.” I am still haunted by the memory of the sound, at exactly the same time and place, of her voice calling me “Edwaad,” the word wafting through the dusk air at closing time of the Fish Garden (a small Zamalek park with aquarium) and of myself, undecided whether to answer her back or to remain in hiding for just awhile longer, enjoying the pleasure of being called, being wanted, the non-Edward part of myself taking luxurious respite by not answering until the silence of my being became unendurable. Her English deployed a rhetoric of statement and norms that has never left me. Once my mother left Arabic and spoke English there was a more objective and serious tone that mostly banished the forgiving and musical intimacy of
her
first language, Arabic. At age five or six I knew that I was irremediably “naughty” and at school was all manner of comparably disapproved-of things like “fibber” and “loiterer.” By the time I was fully conscious of speaking English fluently, if not always correctly, I regularly referred to myself not as “me” but as “you.” “Mummy doesn’t love you, naughty boy,” she would say, and I wouldrespond, in half-plaintive echoing, half-defiant assertion, “Mummy doesn’t love you, but Auntie Melia loves you.” Auntie Melia was her elderly maiden aunt, who doted on me when I was a very young child.