Offshore Read Free

boots. For those of you who are colour blind, the green
doors are next to the red ones.”
    Dead
air.
    “ Any questions?”
    “ Yes.” Lydia’s hand went up. “Where do I change?” All eyes
fell on her as if she had just asked for a bucket of steam. “I’m
assuming you do know the regulations regarding provision of
separate facilities for women,” she said.
    “ I do indeed, Miss Ellis,” said Eddie. “And there are
dedicated female facilities available on Bravo.”
    “ So where are they?”
    He
grimaced. “Ah. Well. Unfortunately they are situated in a
Portakabin on the other side of the main deck. If you want to use
them, feel free, but to be honest I wouldn’t advise it.”
    “ Why not?”
    “ Because they have never been used for their intended
purpose and have been utilised as extra storage. The truth, Miss
Ellis, is that you have the dubious honour of being the first and
only female ever to set foot on this platform.”
    The
group of men broke out into spontaneous mocking applause and
whistling.
    Lydia
had more to say, “So what am I supposed to do?”
    “ You can get yer kit off right here,” brayed Reynolds. “We
don’t mind, do we boys?”
    “ What, and have you creaming your pants at the sight of my
lacy whites? I don’t think so.”
    Reynolds
grabbed his crotch suggestively and thrust his hips. “Oh be still
my raging boner.”
    “ More like Needledick the Bugfucker.” Lydia waggled her
little finger in obvious mockery of his manhood. “Seen more meat on
a butcher’s pencil.”
    Reynolds
face flushed scarlet and contorted into a scowl fit to curdle milk.
He opened his twisted mouth to issue some retort, but not before
Eddie stepped between them, calling a halt to their insult trading
before it got out of control.
    “ HOY! That’s enough!”
    He
turned his back on the furious Reynolds to address
Lydia.
    “ Miss Ellis, I’m sorry. In a perfect world we would have the
facilities for you, but unfortunately we don’t, and I feel terrible
to have to suggest this but, on this occasion would you
mind...using a lavatory cubicle to change?”
    The look
on her face said it all; yes she bloody well would mind and why
didn’t he suggest she lick the toilet bowl clean for good measure.
Her hard eyed disgust prompted him to apologise further, despite
the situation being out of his control, and offer a
compromise.
    “ I’m sorry, but it’s the best I can offer at the moment. If
you’ll give me some time I’ll work on rigging up something more
suitable. Until then you have the choice, here with us or out there
on your tod, although for security’s sake I would prefer we all
stayed together.”
    She
puckered her mouth and jutted her chin. “Looks like I’ll be staying
here then.”
    “ Thank you.” Her hand went up again. “One more
thing?”
    Patience, Eddie.
    “ Yes Miss Ellis.”
    “ Are you going to do something about getting some heat on in
here sometime soon? You tough guys might not notice the cold, but
my nipples have gone as tight as Scammell wheel nuts in
protest.”
    “ I certainly have noticed, Miss Ellis, and you’re right,
they are … it is.” A faux pas realised far too late. “I didn’t mean
... I wasn’t referring to your nipples obviously, of course,
because that would imply I looked ... I didn’t, because it would be
rude … to look … to stare ... although I’m not saying they are not
very nice nipp–”
    Over her
fixed unwavering glare Lydia’s censuring eyebrows disappeared under
her hat. “I think it’s time you stopped digging now, Mr Capstan,”
she said. “This hole is deep enough, don’t you think?”
    Eddie clamped his lips closed and he swore furiously inside
his head as he tried to banish from his mind the crude imagery of a
pair of rock hard nipples standing proud of her breasts like chapel
hat pegs. At least he tried. Others hadn’t. Reynolds grinned openly.
    McDougal
swallowed down a snigger. Brewer harrumphed to clear a whole
throatful