Odd Jobs Read Free Page A

again with the back facing him. Now the tongue is sticking out straight at me. I’m doing everything I can to keep down a pint of tequila and Wild Turkey.

    “Okay,” Felipe begins. “Three steps, simple as that. First, you take the bone that attaches this lovely tongue to the rest of the beautiful bovine.” Felipe digs his thumb and middle finger into the back of the tongue and pulls on a four-inch bone. It gives him a bit of resistance but he finally yanks it out. “Next, you turn it over and scrape off the USDA grade that was stamped on the bottom part.” Felipe takes a short, sharp knife and begins to whittle at the stamp. Small pieces of flesh begin to drop onto the stainless steel table until the bottom of the tongue no longer has a mark. Watching him is mesmerizing. I’m staring and getting a fuzzy head.

    “Here’s the fun part. This thing has a tough cover of skin that needs to be removed before it can be eaten.” I stare at him and the tongue, wondering who was the fuckin’ Einstein that came up with the concept to eat cow tongue in the first place? And who was his friend that said, “Yeah, great idea.”

    Felipe continues. “Some amateurs will try to get the skin cover off by using their knife, but that’s too slow. The tongues get these blisters from boiling for hours. You have to find a blister on the tongue, pop it and work your thumb underneath. Zip up, and the skin peels right off. Just like this.” He demonstrates as I try to watch. I’m getting a bit dizzy and definitely queasy. Felipe slides a tongue at me and says, “Time to peel some tongue, kid.”

    I go to pick up the repulsive thing, but nature is taking over. My stomach is heading for my throat and I have to get out. I drop the tongue and race toward the door. I have to find a bathroom. Fast. I don’t remember if it’s to the left or the right, but before I can make my decision, bam! I collide with Rabbi Silver, who is walking in. We’re both sprawled out on the floor. Now I have no shot of making it to the bathroom.

    Jumping up, I quickly glance at Rabbi Silver, who is sitting up and muttering something. I don’t have time to apologize. Where can I go? I look around and spot a vat in the smokehouse room; it’ll have to do. I scramble over to the vat. I have no idea what is in there but it’s out of my hands. Then it’s out of my stomach. Violently, a yellow liquid filled with unrecognizable lumps cascades out of me. When I start getting control I realize I have heaved into a vat of cow by-products — eyeballs, spleens, bladders and some pink things that could be reproductive organs. The smell reminds me of the men’s bathroom at the bus depot, now combined with the stench of half-digested food. I’m hoping that the lunatics who eat tongues aren’t eating this stuff, too. I figure if it’s garbage I can keep my job. If it’s another ingenious delicacy, I’m toast.

    My clothes are wet with perspiration; it’s like 20 below, but I’m drenched. Wow, I feel good, almost like a human being again. There are about 15 guys around me and they’re all cracking up. They got some show from me this morning, and it’s not even close to 9 a.m. yet.

     

     
    It’s hard to imagine I still have a job, but until they tell me otherwise, I’m working. I pick myself up and head toward the bathroom to clean up. The guys are still laughing. Some are patting me on the back and others are making comments like, “What a loser.”

    If they’re going to can me, I hope it’s sooner rather than later. I wash up and look in the mirror and say, “Let’s peel some tongue.”

    Walking back to the Tongue Room I notice Bino walking toward me. His real name is Russell Binoheitzer and since there’s no time for all that, everyone calls him Bino. He’s an ornery red-haired guy with real fair skin. After working in the freezer for a few hours, he looks like he’s been dead for a week. All us grunts were given fair warning to avoid this guy