Not Quite A Bride Read Free Page B

table.
    â€œOh, yippee!” I exclaim as Alex passes the first package down to me. Generally, when I open presents, people want to murder me. I always save ribbon, and if paper is especially nice, I’ll save that, too. The only person who doesn’t go bonkers is my sister because she does the exact same thing.
    The first gift is from Alex and Steve. It’s a scented candle: generic, but thoughtful nonetheless. A single-gal staple, and it will get put to good use.
    â€œYou guys, it’s perfect. I have a spot right beside my bathtub that this will be perfect in,” I gush, and they look pleased.
    â€œI know that you used to love that scent ... I hope you still do,” Alex says.
    â€œDefinitely,” I lie ... I haven’t used cucumber-melon in a few years, but it does smell good, so I’m sure I’ll enjoy it.
    I’m working on the paper on Brad and Claire’s gift, secretly annoyed that my best friend got me a joint gift with the evil one, when my sister grabs it from me and thrusts another package at me.
    â€œI can’t wait any more. Open ours!”
    â€œOkay ... sorry I’m so slow ... you know how I am.”
    â€œI know, I don’t care ... just open mine.”
    Jamie and Bryan’s is quick and easy to unwrap ... they took the gift bag route (obviously I will be keeping the gift bag ... unless Jamie swipes it back like she did with my Christmas gift bag). Inside is a T-shirt that says, WORLD’S GREATEST AUNT. What am I missing?
    â€œHuh? I don’t get it.”
    â€œ World’s Greatest Aunt ,” Jamie emphasizes.
    â€œI can read it, I just don’t get it. Is this, like, a new fad?”
    Like I said, Jamie is a bit trendier than I am ... if something is about to be the hottest thing, she already knows about it. Like she totally brought the Laverne initial monogram back before everyone else did. She sewed a hot-pink “J” on an old black cashmere sweater and I told her she was crazy for ruining her sweater, and before I knew it, people were paying hundreds for the same look! But honestly, I’m wondering if she’s losing her touch, ’cause everyone at the table looks as confused as I feel.
    â€œI told you she wouldn’t get it.” Jamie’s husband, the practical one, says. Bryan appreciates and adores Jamie, but it’s definitely a case of opposites attracting.
    â€œShut up, Bryan—it’s an awesome surprise ... she’ll get it.”
    â€œMolly, don’t you get it? (A little louder and slower than before) World’s Greatest Aunt . (pause) Oh Jeez ... you’re going to be World’s Greatest Aunt because I’m going to be World’s Greatest Mom,” she says as she squeals with delight.
    Everyone around the table starts buzzing with conversation but it takes me a minute to catch on ... then I realize. This is a prank. It’s a roast. It’s a big, cruel joke on me because I’m single and thirty and live alone with a cat that I talk to. Maybe I’ve had too much wine, but truly I think it’s the brutality of the situation that causes my eyes to fill with tears. Jamie glows as she informs everyone, “She gets it! She gets it!!”
    â€œYes, I get it, Jamie ... and it’s the meanest thing I’ve ever seen,” I say, trying, fruitlessly, to hold back tears. “I asked you all to be sensitive that today is my thirtieth birthday. . . and of everyone here—no offense, everyone else—I thought you, my sister, would be the most sensitive. Haha ... I get your joke. It’s hysterical. ‘World’s Greatest Aunt’ because I’ll never get married, I’ll never have children, and I’ll never be ‘World’s Greatest Mom.’”
    Jamie’s face looks stricken ... apparently her little joke isn’t going off like she planned. Good!
    â€œNo, Molly ... you will be World’s Greatest Mom one day.