Miss Lonelyhearts Read Free

advice. If he followed
it, he would be a big success. His column would be syndicated and the whole
world would learn to love. The Kingdom of Heaven would arrive. He would sit on
the right hand of the Lamb.
    But seriously, he realized, even if
Shrike had not made a sane view of this Christ business impossible, there would
be little use in his fooling himself. His vocation was of a different sort. As
a boy in his father's church, he had discovered that something stirred in him
when he shouted the name of Christ, something secret and enormously powerful.
He had played with this thing, but had never allowed it to come alive.
    He knew now what this thing
was--hysteria, a snake whose scales are tiny mirrors in which the dead world
takes on a semblance of life. And how dead the world is...a
world of doorknobs. He wondered if hysteria were really too steep a
price to pay for bringing it to life.
    For him, Christ was the most natural
of excitements. Fixing his eyes on the image that hung on the wall, he began to
chant: "Christ, Christ, Jesus Christ. Christ, Christ,
Jesus Christ." But the moment the snake started to uncoil in his
brain, he became frightened and closed his eyes.
    With sleep, a dream came in which he
found himself on the stage of a crowded theater. He was a magician who did
tricks with doorknobs. At his command, they bled, flowered, spoke. After his
act was finished, he tried to lead his audience in prayer. But no matter how
hard he struggled, his prayer was one Shrike had taught him and his voice was
that of a conductor calling stations.
    "Oh, Lord, we are not of those
who wash in wine, water, urine, vinegar, fire, oil, bay rum, milk, brandy, or
boric acid. Oh, Lord, we are of those who wash solely in the Blood of the
Lamb."
    The scene of the dream changed. He
found himself in his college dormitory. With him were Steve Garvey and Jud
Hume. They had been arguing the existence of God from midnight until dawn, and
now, having run out of whisky, they decided to go to the market for some
applejack.
    Their way led through the streets of
the sleeping town into the open fields beyond. It was spring. The sun and the
smell of vegetable birth renewed their drunkenness and they reeled between the
loaded carts. The farmers took their horseplay good-naturedly. Boys from the college on a spree.
    They found the bootlegger and bought
a gallon jug of applejack, then wandered to the section where livestock was
sold. They stopped to fool with some lambs. Jud suggested buying one to roast
over a fire in the woods. Miss Lonelyhearts agreed,
but on the condition that they sacrifice it to God before barbecuing it.
    Steve was sent to the cutlery stand
for a butcher knife, while the other two remained to bargain for a lamb. After
a long, Armenian-like argument, during which Jud exhibited his farm training,
the youngest was selected, a little, stiff-legged thing, all head.
    They paraded the lamb through the
market. Miss Lonelyhearts went first, carrying the
knife, the others followed, Steve with the jug and Jud with the animal. As they
marched, they sang an obscene version of "Mary Had a Little Lamb."
    Between the market and the bill on
which they intended to perform the sacrifice was a meadow. While going through
it, they, picked daisies and buttercups. Halfway up the hill, they found a rock
and covered it with the flowers. They laid the lamb among the flowers. Miss
Lonely-hearts was elected priest, with Steve and Jud as his attendants. While
they held the lamb, Miss Lonelyhearts crouched over
it and began to chant.
    "Christ,
Christ, Jesus Christ. Christ, Christ, Jesus
Christ."
    When they had worked themselves into a frenzy , he brought the knife down hard. The blow was
inaccurate and made a flesh wound. He raised the knife again and this time the
lamb's violent struggles made him miss altogether. The knife broke on the
altar. Steve and Jud pulled the animal's head back for him to saw at its
throat, but only a small piece of blade remained in the